Not Quite All-Star, But Not As Bad As His Bowling Either

When closet sportscaster Barack Obama threw out the first ball at tonight’s All-Star Game that no one cares about, the big question was will he bring the heat like George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? Or will he be a jelly-armed pussy like Jimmy Carter?

Luckily, President Obama has been practicing since his first big league […]

Sonia Sotomayor Vows To Uphold Law, Even For White Males

Wise, empathetic, Latina owl Sonia Sotomayor pledged to serve the “larger interest of impartial justice” and not only help minority firefighters, baseball players, and Hispanics.

President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring hermit Justice David Souter, sassy South Bronx-born (holla!) Sonia Sotomayor hoped to silence critics, aka Republicans, with her Ivy-League educated words (elitist!) and […]

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA’s Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you’d eventually […]

Forget Moose, Sarah Palin’s About To Field Dress Levi Johnston

19-year-old Alaskan daddy Levi Johnston shot to stardom by impregnating abstinence-only crusader and female role model Bristol Palin, whose mother just happens to be the most powerful woman in Alaska! At least before she upped and quit her job of running the damn state in order to make boatloads of money hawking her book to […]

Lack Of Funds, Credibility Dooms Sen. Roland Burris’ Re-Election Hopes

Barack Obama’s legendary replacement, Sen. Roland “No Taint” Burris, will NOT be running for re-election in 2010, keeping his streak of never being legitimately elected to the U.S. Senate alive and well. Go Roland!

Although Burris has yet to announce his decision publicly, one can only assume it may have something to do with the fact […]

The Truth About Spies Is They Sure Can Lie!

Surprise! Turns out the CIA is very good at something other than finding weapons where they don’t exist. They can lie with the best of them! Especially when it comes to “concealing significant actions” from the dumbos in Congress, which they’ve been doing with ease since 2001, according to a letter from CIA director […]

Feeling The Heat: G-8 Leaders Agree To Slow Down Assault On Mother Earth

OMG! The United States and the other seven richest economies responsible for turning the world into a CO2-filled, polar bear-less wasteland have finally agreed to stop their lucrative global assault on Mother Earth. Sort of.

For the first time ever, leaders from the Group of Eight industrialized countries agreed to the goal? of keeping the world’s […]

Obama Takes His "Responsibility" Tour To Africa

Unlike his possible closeted Muslim faith, Barack Obama’s deep ties to Africa is no secret. His father is Kenyan (remember the whole white Kansas mother, black Kenyan father thing?), and as a result, the entire continent is just bonkers for the man. He’s like practically their son!

So Africa-Expert President Obama thinks he’s earned the […]

New York Congressman Pete King Will Not Honor Dead Pop Stars Who Aren’t Cops

Long Island congressman Pete King is very upset. So upset in fact that he too has decided to take his wrath to the Internets and broadcast his very important message on the YouTube for all the world to see.

But what has Pete so hot around the collar? Michael Jackson, that’s what!

What Congressman King doesn’t understand […]

Sarah Takes Her Media War To The Internets!

Since shocking the world with her untimely departure as Alaska’s sexiest rogue governor, Sarah Palin has kept a low profile, emerging only to fight back against the evil mainstream media via her fave two underground communication channels, Facebook and Twitter, where she still sports the INACCURATE name AKGovSarahPalin!! Please, Sarah, stop getting everyone’s hopes up.
It […]