A Dark Knut Rises In Colorado

Somewhere in America, a real flesh-based human being rolled out of bed, and decided today would be a good day to send out the following tweet:

Elsewhere in America, specifically, a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, a deranged 24-year-old dressed in all black wearing a riot helmet, face mask, and bullet-proof vest burst into the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises, killing 12 people and injuring 50 more, including a baby.

Well excuuuuse the NRA for being tone-deaf. Guns are loud, people!

Luckily at least one person understands there’s bigger crimes than being a little trigger happy.

Just look at the official comment from the NRA’s director of public affairs, Andrew Arulanandam regarding the ill-timed tweet:

“A single individual, unaware of events in Colorado, tweeted a comment that is being completely taken out of context.”

YES, COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT! Clearly, the American Rifleman, the self-described “official journal of the National Rifle Association” was simply talking about slamming down dozens of delicious oysters Rockefeller when he said the word “shooters.” I mean seriously people! One unprecedented movie massacre and suddenly the entire country starts acting like a bunch of sensitive schoolgirls who got their pigtails pulled, lost a game of hopscotch, and then witnessed their entire family murdered, execution style on the playground.

Well Rep. Louis Gohmert of Texas isn’t about to sit back and let the NRA steal all his post-tragedy douchebag thunder. No one out-assholes, Louis, no one!

If Americans don’t want to be terrorized and slaughtered by some nutjob’s one-man war on unsuspecting, unarmed moviegoers, they better start giving the proper R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the BIG MAN UPSTAIRS, JC!

“You know what really gets me, as a Christian, is to see the ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs, and then some senseless crazy act of terror like this takes place,” Gohmert said….

“People say … where was God in all of this?” Gohmert said. “We’ve threatened high school graduation participations, if they use God’s name, they’re going to be jailed … I mean that kind of stuff. Where was God? What have we done with God? We don’t want him around. I kind of like his protective hand being present.”

God’s messenger Louis Gohmert would also like to know why in God’s green earth pitch black cineplex, no one had the good sense to be packing heat so that, in a dark theater full of screaming people, tear gas and a mad man with assault rifles and kevlar body suit, they could have calmly shot the gunman, like Louis does every night in the Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare tournaments in his parent’s basement.

“It does make me wonder, with all those people in the theater, was there nobody that was carrying a gun that could have stopped this guy more quickly?” he asked.

Probably not considering this ISN’T FUCKING TV and that shit DOESN’T FUCKING HAPPEN in REAL LIFE.

So good point, Louis. Because the real question isn’t What Would Jesus Do, it’s What Would Jesus Strap?

While Gohmert and other idiots blame the murderer’s actions on the spiritual non-beliefs of other Americans, and the lack of even more armed vigilantes in movie theaters to stop the next attack by a crazed gunman with a perosnal weapons cache, the rest of the media will likely spend endless hours speculating about his political leanings, sexual preferences, what music he listened to, books he read, movies he watched, videogames he played, websites he visited, warning signs he left, and still not get any closer to understanding what makes a man do terrible, unimaginable things.

Well other than the absence of Louis Gohmert, and unfettered access to military-grade AR-15 rifles with 6000 rounds of ammo.

Because everyone knows it’s not the government’s place to control ballistic bodysuits and sawed-off shotguns, but to control shotgun weddings of two people with the same sex organs.

Otherwise, America runs the risk of doing something REALLY crazy and dangerous. Like preventing the next tragedy before it happens.

And what, my friend, is more unAmerican than going to a suburban movie opening and actually living to tell the tale?

[image via Deadspin]

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