All That Glitters Isn't Gold; In Newt's Case, He's Still Dull, White, & Old

Newt Gingrich sure has had a tough week!

First, poor ol’ Newt was forced to apologize to Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan for calling Ryan’s insane, screw-the-old-people budget “radical” (which it is), and explain to one enraged Teabagger after another how terribly sorry he is for his meany words, almost as terribly sorry that it all but ended his presidential ambitions, however petty & ridiculous it may have been.

And if that weren’t bad enough, some gay (gasp!) activist and serial prankster Robert Erickson dumped a box of twinkling party glitter on Newt’s signature square head and white coif, shouting “Feel the rainbow! Stop the hate!” at a Minneapolis book signing to protest his hypocritical, less-than-enlightened stance on gays and to prove glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at elitist jewelry stores like Tiffany’s.

But for some reason Newt and that weird, alien lady next to him, better known as Callista, or wonderful wifey #3, did not appreciate being glitter-bombed by some flaming fruit cake with a messenger bag or a message.

The glitter bandit was quickly pushed out of the room by an event organizer or employee of the vehemently anti-gay Minnesota Family Council and given what seemed to be a very firm, and very creepy, talking-to by the gentleman in a suit, as the rattled, newly sparkling, but otherwise unharmed Gingriches brushed confetti out of their laps and respective white “hairstyles.”

Wait, all they did was remove the dude from the room and sternly shove him towards the elevator? Wow, talk about progress! This time last year, he’d be getting his head stomped on a sidewalk.

Guess things really do get better!

But either way, Newt’s creepy, right-wing handler wants to know, “Have we ever disturbed one of your events?”

Ummm, well, let’s see, you’re trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, stop gays from visiting their dying partners in hospitals, bar them from adopting children, or enjoying the same rights and privileges as straight couples, but other than that, you’re right, you’ve never thrown assaulted gays with glitter!

Though, I’m sure Gabrielle Giffords would have much preferred being pumped with tiny scintillating pieces of confetti paper instead of those other things that typically load into 19mm Glocks.

Glitter: the best way to piss someone off without causing injury, death, or brain damage, just a sparkling shine and slightly irritated skin!

Besides, the clean up shouldn’t be too bad. Something tells me Callista already volunteered to roll up a Tiffany’s receipt and start snorting the glitter. That way, she can feel all sparkly on the inside, too!

1 comment to All That Glitters Isn’t Gold; In Newt’s Case, He’s Still Dull, White, & Old

  • David says:

    Great column Julie!

    Glitter is going to be my new weapon of choice! Can you imagine if we had spent $900 billion on glitter and just dumped it on Iraq? We would be in about the same place we are now and 4,500 soldiers (dads, husbands, wives, etc.) would still be alive.

    Heading to the party supply store as soon as I hit submit.

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