America's Special People & Living Warnings Against The Dangers Of KFC Arrive For Beckapalooza

'I believe in Miracles, where ya from, you Sexy Thing?!'

Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama’s Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK’s dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.


On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation’s capital with liberty and justice for all…intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!

But just what is Glenn Beck’s rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??

By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who’ve either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney’s various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth’s crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck “Restore Honor” by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.

But how else will God’s golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin’ America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that’s its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?

Perhaps by gathering the nation’s elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like “Buy Gold!” “No Buttsecks…Or Health Care For Poors!” “My Body, Your Choice,” and “Got Tea?”

How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God’s divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.

Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??

I Went To Glenn Beck’s Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt

Uh oh, looks like all of this man’s racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it’s “Mauritania,” dipshit.

Speaking of…

The New New Colossus

Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:

“Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck’s “Honor Restored” version:

“Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!

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