Arizona, Proudly Scaring The Bejesus Out Of America Since 1912

America’s lovely parched desert landscape of cacti and Gila monsters (no, not that otherworldly beast pictured above), plus plentiful racist, Mexican-hating wingnuts have helped make Arizona the majestic, Big-Government dependent, scorched used tire outlet, we Americans, know and love so well.

Throw in that confused old man who blessed the public with some lipstick wearing maverick pig before officially checking out of the rough road known as reality, en route to staving off some initialed-madman on horseback gunning for his senate seat. Add a dash of racist intolerance, a creeping fear of change, a pinch of immigrant hysteria, sprinkle in some racial profiling and discrimination, some birthers here, a few minutemen there, and you my friend have all the ingredients for the delicious new Alabama of the West, Aryanzona, the purest state since all the immigrant workers fled for greener pastures where there’s still actual jobs and rule of law, not roving gangs of trigger-happy cops leading pogroms against Mexicans in the streets.

First, there is the not-at-all unconstitutional measure passed by the state legislature that would require police to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant. Meaning if you happen to live in Arizona, your skin is brown (or any color not snowflake white) and/or you have that whole “immigrant” look about you, you will be mercilessly harassed by lunatic cops on horses demanding your proof of residency before roundin’ the whole family up and shipping ’em off someplace else where they take more kindly to foreign invaders who are fundamentally integral to the health of the economy.

“The Arizona Legislature has just stepped off the deep end of the immigration debate, passing a harsh and mean-spirited bill that would do little to stop illegal immigration. What it would do is lead to more racial profiling, hobble local law enforcement, and open government agencies to frivolous, politically driven lawsuits.”

“The bill is a grab bag of measures to enlist law enforcement and government at every level to expose and expel the undocumented. Opponents say it verges on a police state, which sounds overblown until you read it.”

“It would make not having immigration documents a new state misdemeanor, and allow officers to arrest anyone who could not immediately prove they were here legally. That means if you are brown-skinned and leave home without a wallet, you are in trouble.”

Ooooh, sounds fun! If I ever want to give the kiddies a lesson about the good ol’ days living in Hitler’s Germany, I’ll just gather the fam, pack into the old station wagon and head out west to show the li’l youngins how delightfully fun and full o’ surprises living in a Gestapo-run police state really can be!

“The lunacy of rounding up people because they look a certain way, or are suspected of being in violation of immigration statutes, can only lead to one thing – violations of people’s basic, fundamental civil rights. Profiling,” Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) said.

Isn’t that the point, Lou?

But supporters of the Arizona legislation, like the bill’s primary sponsor, and advocate of 1950s deportation programs like “Operation Wetback,” Republican State Sen. Russell Pearce, say it would give police the tools they need to combat violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

“Illegal is not a race, it’s a crime,” Pearce said.

Ignorance, on the other hand, is still legal in all 50 states.

“In the end, it all comes back to the president of the United States and whether he will put his back into comprehensive immigration reform,” Gutierrez added.

Ummm, yeah that is if President Obama could actually go into Arizona without being swarmed by unhinged cops and militiamen seeing his chocolate-y hue, and immediately demanding his birth certificate and/or proof of citizenship.

Fresh off the heels of their new “Mexicans No Welcome” bill, Arizona’s enlightened House of Representatives passed another measure requiring candidates for the U.S. presidency to provide their birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state.

Which is obviously aimed at Mittens Romney (or whichever Republican candidate wins the chance to lose another election), not any particular half-black, secret Muslim from Kenya currently in the White House who will be running again in 2012.

“The Arizona House on Monday voted for a provision that would require President Barack Obama to show his birth certificate if he hopes to be on the state’s ballot when he runs for reelection. The House voted 31-22 to add the provision to a separate bill. The measure still faces a formal vote.”

“It would require U.S. presidential candidates who want to appear on the ballot in Arizona to submit documents proving they meet the constitutional requirements to be president.”

The Arizona Capitol Times reports:

Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, a Phoenix Democrat who voted against the measure, said the bill is one of several measures that are making Arizona “the laughing stock of the nation…I am ashamed that this is even a topic of discussion.”

Oh Kyrsten, there’s nothing to be ashamed of! We’re used to these sorts of ass-backwards attempts “to take back the country” from Negroes, Mexicans, and other undesirables stealin’ America from the poor, disenfranchised white man, courtesy of the great state of Arizona. I mean we are talking about the same state that refused to honor Martin Luther King Jr., with a federal holiday because what the hell did he even do anyway?

So the man gave a few good speeches about having dreams…well so did Sarah Palin (even if her dreams were about drillin’ baby drillin’ for oil in every protected wildlife reserve in Alaska, for equality), and you don’t see the whole country trying to honor her with a federal holiday, now do you?

So stop slacking Arizona!

Why stop now? Hopefully, Republican Governor Jan Brewer will stop dillydallying and sign the soon-to-be “Birther Bill” and Nazi anti-immigrant law already sitting on her antique mahogany desk, so the Grand Canyon State can once again seal its fate as the stupidest, most bigoted state in all our precious union.

And John McCain can resume his favorite role terrifying the nation’s kiddies and dumbfounding the scientific community as to what the hell kind of grotesque species of God knows what, has the ability to morph from a one-time defender of brown people, into a semi-coherent, slightly senile, Mexican-hatin’ Senator who traded his soul for a chance to ride the Sarah Palin Maverick Express straight into eternal damnation, brimstone and hellfire.

With a quick pit stop in Washington, DC, first.

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