Beginner’s Luck? Huck No! Mike’s Taking This Win All The Way To The White House

Wooohooo! Conservative Christian cuddlebug Mike Huckabee once again showed his uncanny ability to win meaningless straw polls by picking up his first insignificant victory of the season at this year’s Family Research Council Values Voter Summit. Huck, Huck Hooray!

The newly svelte but still God-fearing former Gov. of Arkansas racked up nearly 29 percent of the vote in the 2012 presidential straw poll to cruise to an easy victory in a crowded field of fellow Republican zealots and patriots eying the White House.

Huckabee beat out the usual mix of heavy-hitters and up-and-comers like former Massachusetts Gov. and current Mormon Mitt “Mittens” Romney, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, sultry former Alaska Gov. Sarah “Barracuda” Palin, and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence, with all four losers each receiving about 12% of the vote.

Of the top five finishers, all but the Barracuda herself addressed the conference, who we can only assume was way too busy tending to important matters like canceling speaking engagements at the last-minute and posting nonsensical rants on her Favoritest Facebook. Perhaps Miss Thang can squeeze ’em in next year if she’s not on a hunting expedition or hitting the book tour circuit or doing whatever it is that unemployed superstar Alaskan imports do.

In announcing the poll results no one cares about anyway, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins praised winner Mike Huckabee for having his “finger on the pulse” of conservative voters and a “gift for connecting with the GOP’s cultural base,” but said organizers were still kind of hoping for someone who was actually a viable presidential candidate to win.

“We want a fully-rounded conservative candidate,” he said. “Right now, the door’s wide open.” Ouch.

But being the good-natured, jolly (former) fat man that he is, Huckabee took his win in stride, accepting his victory like a true former Baptist minister and fringe candidate of the far right: by citing scripture and urging the party to resist any pressure to abandon social issues.

“There are so many people who have told us as conservatives that we should move to the center, on the sanctity of marriage or the sanctity of life,” Huckabee said, adding: “I’m not sure the center makes a whole lot of sense when it’s coming from people who certainly don’t have our interest, or our country’s interest, at heart.”

You tell ’em Hucky! Don’t cave, bend, sway, shift, or compromise for anyone, especially the Godless Socialist Dems currently tasked with getting America out of the sh*thole a certain compassionate conservative stud named W put it in.

Those hedonists, homosexuals, abortionists and assorted other deviants over in Washington don’t have the country’s best interest at heart, unlike you decent, church-going folk who love America so much you pray every night for it to fail and go down the tubes along with that charismatic, young Kenyan man Barry. Who just may or may not be the devil himself.

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