Poor Mittens Romney. It’s trying to act like a human being, but it just doesn’t know how. Hell, the more it tries to act like an actual carbon-based, oxygen breathing entity, not futuristic cyborg Terminator Mormonator sent to terrorize humanity, the more we are all convinced it is in fact just a newer, more advanced, shapeshifting T-1000 sent back in time to kill Barack Obama and annihilate the human race in a nuclear holocaust.
And if that sounds terrifying, just look at ol’ Mittens try to get in good with a crowd of Southern voters in Mississippi by explaining, naturally, how he too has this weird disease, (think it’s called “being Southern”), which he caught from his unfortunate Mississippi-born bodyguard, Garrett Jackson, whose birth below the Mason-Dixon line must have somehow infected Mitt.
“He is now turning me into an, I don’t know, an unofficial Southerner,” Romney said. “And I’m learning to say ‘y’all’ and I like grits. Strange things are happening to me.”
It’s as if he’s, gasp, one of us. A real, live (multi-millionaire) boy hick (from the North). The kind that “learns to to say y’all” and enjoys popular peasant foods like grits, because that’s how they roll in the dirty dirty South, amiright?
Or maybe that’s just Stage I of the rare disease known as “Unofficial Southerner Syndrome.” Give it a few days. In no time at all, he’ll become morbidly obese, develop type II diabetes, sport a fanny pack with a Confederate flag on it, and swing on a front porch reminiscing about secession and how the “trees are just the right height.”
For lynching.
[image via PunditKitchen]