Well hellooooo America! In case you missed Wednesday night’s 90-minute tragicomedy, fear not my friend, because the Internets have got you covered!
And the winner is…you, America! For having the privilege of witnessing Jim Lehrer get emasculated by Mitt Romney, who will tell him when he’s done speaking, GOD DAMN IT!
“NO, I AM NOT DONE, JIM. NOW SHUT UP BEFORE I DO TO YOU WHAT I AM GOING TO DO TO THAT BIG STUPID BIRD ALWAYS PRATTLING ON ABOUT LEARNING AND KINDNESS.”
How does ending up beer battered, deep fried, deeply hostile to gays, and tucked snuggly between two signature chick-fil-a buns sound? How’s that for getting yourself in a pickle?
Do you even know who Mitt’s father is?? Ugh, filthy commoners.
Good thing the Internets (and Chris Matthews!) can tell winners from losers, and clearly the big winner in this very important first-of-three-debates-nobody-watches is Mittens Romney, for bravely showing up the same stiff, insufferable robot as usual without insulting anyone to their faces, except threatening to kill two birds, one big & yellow, the other small & yellow, with one stone cold budget slash. Yes Jim Lehrer, being a chicken does count as a bird.
You see, the Internets understands people like confidence, especially the cracked out maniacal kind who lies every time he opens his mouth because honesty is for suckers who pay taxes not presidential candidates who hide secret bank accounts in the Cayman Islands.
So hooray for Mittens Romney and the DEBATE PERFORMANCE OF THE CENTURY!
America has always had a soft spot for obscenely rich assholes who make them feel all worthless and dirty inside. Or at least 47% of them.
Even better are pathological liars whose most substantitve policy point of the night is keeping our children off the street children’s Muppets off Sesame Street and into the nearest Homeless shelter where they belong.
Redistribution, Romney style.
[image via Salon]