Chairman Cao’s GOP Revolution To Bring Affordable Coverage To America

Just when you thought any semblance of manhood the Democrats had was stripped away with the Republican’s dignity and grip on reality, the House of Representatives grew a pair (or 220 pairs to be exact) and passed the Affordable Health Care for America Act to murder grandma and also bring quality, low-cost insurance to all Americans. Hooray!

After much partisan wrangling, Republican desperation, and teabagger Nazi rallies on Capitol Hill, the Democrats came through in the clutch, voting 220-215 in favor of President Obama’s sweeping health care overhaul to help hardworking Americans instead of insurance companies for the first time in our nation’s history.

Thanks to Obama’s last minute Rudy-inspired pep talk urging House Democrats not to pussy out like they always do but instead stick to their guns and “finish the job.”

“I reminded them that opportunities like this come around maybe once in a generation,” Obama said. “This is their moment, this is our moment, to live up to the trust that the American people have placed in us — even when it’s hard; especially when it’s hard. This is our moment to deliver.”

And deliver they did, thanks to S&M Master Nancy Pelosi’s ability to crack the whip and bring those rascally Blue Dog Democrats into line, even luring Rep. Anh ”Joseph” Cao (R-LA), a coveted Republican, over to the dark side that is the Democratic supermajority.

President Barack Obama thanked members for their “courageous vote” and called upon that other chamber to follow the House’s monumental decision to revolutionize the country’s health care system:

“Now it falls on the United States Senate to take the baton and take this effort to the finish line for the American people.”

Meanwhile, ever-determined obstructionist Republicans vowed to fight the bill and prevent Barry’s murderous death panels from destroying America, with House Minority Leader John Boehner promising, “we’re going to do everything we can to make sure this doesn’t happen.”

Unfortunately, this comes from the same man who boasted that a certain cute, young Asian man’s upset win to replace indicted Democratic Rep. William Jefferson was a sign of the GOP’s comeback and presented a path to future victories, declaring, “The Future Is Cao.”

Which totally makes sense, if he meant the future would be some Vietcong traitor stabbing the Grand Old Party in the back by crossing over to support NObama’s terrible government-run plot to socialize medicine and turn America into the Soviet Union.

Or maybe Boehner was just exaggerating but nobody knew it because the Einstein in charge of House Republicans pronounced “hyperbole” as “hyperbowl,” which made everyone laugh at him for being dumb instead of being orange.

Which was sort of a nice change, but certainly not the kind Boehner was hoping for.

I mean what’s a health care reform plan without a cure for idiocy? That’s not change he can believe in!

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