Class Dismissed! Alabama Shows America How It Rolls: Square Wheels + Right-Wing Angles = Lowest Common Denominator

Ah yes, Alabama, the Crimson-tinted land of enlightenment and progress. One of the last remaining beacons  of light and hope in the dismal failure known as the post-antebellum “United States Experiment.” But producing cotton, resisting integration and assassinating civil rights leaders isn’t the only thing the Heart of Dixie brings to the table. No sir-ee!

When it comes to education, Alabama is naturally at the top of the class, with the brightest of minds headin’ south of the Mason-Dixon line to teach all about how man descended from Adam before generously donating part of his rib to create that other highly emotional, lesser intelligent, inferior species called women, in case he got hungry or his cave needed a good spring cleaning or just some tidying up. You can never be too prepared!

But that’s not all! The fine educators down in ‘Bama also know a thing or two about mathematics, the origins of which has nothing to do with the terrible Arabs of course, because such uncivilized (non-white) people know nothing of numbers or equations, only terrorism, subverting women, and threatening Comedy Central cartoonists for drawing an animated version of Muhammad, the single worst offense in the entire history of mankind.

Almost as bad as like 10,000 Holocausts, at least!

Which is why it comes as no real surprise that one of Alabama’s very own esteemed educators decided what better way to teach the kiddies about angles, lines and other boring geometric concepts than by using a hypothetical assassination of President Barack Obama?

Much like most mathematical concepts involving random letters and numbers divided by square roots and multiplied by negative integers, this too makes perfect sense!

The Secret Service investigated a teacher in Jefferson County, Alabama after he “he picked the wrong example” and used a hypothetical assassination of President Obama to teach angles to his geometry students, the Birmingham News reports:

The teacher was apparently teaching his geometry students about parallel lines and angles, officials said. He used the example of where to stand and aim if shooting Obama.

“He was talking about angles and said, ‘If you’re in this building, you would need to take this angle to shoot the president,’ ” said Joseph Brown, a senior in the geometry class.

The Secret Service questioned the math teacher, but decided not to arrest him or charge him with a crime.

Instead, Superintendent Phil Hammonds called the incident “extremely poor judgment” and “a poor choice of words,” but said he has no plans to fire the teacher. “We are going to have a long conversation with him about what’s appropriate,” Hammonds said.

Yes, a sternly worded conversation should just about do it. After all, no harm, no foul, right??

“We did not find a credible threat,” said Roy Sex­ton, special agent in charge of Birmingham’s Secret Service office. “As far as the Secret Service is concerned, we looked into it, we talked to the gentleman and we have closed our investigation.”

It’s about time, too! I mean it did already happen like almost an entire day ago, for cryin’ out loud!

It’s not like the man was encouraging his students to kill HUSSEIN OBAMA using parallel lines and cotangents, or anything even remotely like that. C’mon, that would be insane!

No, no, he was simply showing his class the fun, patriotic things you can do with shapes and angles, like shoot illegal Muslim terrorist presidents from Kenya in the head, and save America from black socialist Hitlers hellbent on providing everyone (even the gross poors) with affordable health care.

Kinda like how slavery wasn’t the forced servitude of an entire people, but simply an outreach program by rich white Southern planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, not to mention the very generous, all-expense paid transatlantic voyage complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!).

Superintendent Hammonds said he will investigate the matter further, and will talk to students and teachers before recommending to the board what to do with the teacher.

Promote him??

“As a district, we are embarrassed by his actions and what he said,” Hammonds said. “There is nothing that can be said to rationalize what was said. We take this very seriously. There is no place in our society for a person to make these comments.”

Except when you’re the distinguished teacher of high school students in Alabama. Then, by all means! After all, this is America, the land of freedom and fried meats on sticks!

Unless of course, parents start calling in wanting to know why little Johnny was suspended for pretending his fingers were a loaded gun, while geometry teacher Gregory Harrison can turn a lesson about the difference between perpendicular and parallel lines into a quick how-to guide to assassinating half-black presidents, without nary a consequence.

Because, then you might be forced to actually do something to appease all those hippie-dippie parents demanding to know why the district didn’t feel it necessary to actually do anything, such as FIRE, the obtuse Jihadist geometry teacher with the irregularly shaped brain teaching their kids.

Guess in ‘Bama, that’s just how the Tide rolls?

Good thing the new zero-tolerance policy is being enforced by someone, even if that someone happens to be a white-power supremacist moonlighting as a geometry teacher passionate about right angles, radii, and circumference (other than what evil, Christ-killing Jews do to their newborn sons’ wee-wees, of course!).

But on the bright side, who knew they even still taught geometry in Alabama!?! I figured that was as irrelevant as evolution, the whole civil war/slavery thing, scientific explanations for natural phenomena (you mean rain isn’t just God crying?), and anything else $arah Palin doesn’t explicitly approve of, condoms and fact-based, chapter books she didn’t pretend to write, included!