Dan Fanelli Needs Your Help To Make Florida The Next Great, Colorless State No One Likes Anymore

Some right-wing dingbat by the name of Dan Fanelli dreamt up a brilliant plan to win the GOP nomination and unseat terrible, outspoken liberal “BUM” Rep. Alan Grayson in sunny Florida, land of citrus groves, gated retirement communities, and old people barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel, using nothing but people’s unsavory tendencies to stereotype would-be terrorists out of their deep fear of getting blown to bits by said perpetrators of such heinous crimes.

This is usually a winning strategy!

A sure-fire way to reclaim power in many parts of the U.S.A, but particularly places where they still fly the Confederate flag or enact legislation telling all brown people to immediately exit the parched desert landscape of Gila monsters and John McCain which they call home, the lovely whites-only state of Aryanzona.

Well, Fanelli is hoping to translate this hysterical momentum into a Sunshine State victory, with his heroic, new ad endorsing racial profiling of dirty and mostly evil A-rabs for airplanes, or anywhere else they like to join thousands of other people when traveling from point A to point B.

Because everyone knows all terrorists look alike! And another thing Mr. Fanelli knows is that terrorists are not white, good-looking, ripped, bald, dressed in business suits, or even business casual slacks and breathable cotton button-downs from Brooks Brothers.

They are however, burly and brown-skinned, with five o’clock shadows and a crazed, jihadist look in their darting, barbaric, always dark-colored eyes.

Which is why Fanelli understands it’s time to stop all this PC nonsense at once, before more innocent minorities stop being randomly harassed by the long, discriminating arm of the law:

“It’s time to stop this political correctness and the invasion of our privacy. Let’s face it, if the good looking rich guy without much hair was flying airplanes into the twin towers, I’d have no problem being pulled out of line at the airport.”

That’s assuming that you, Dan, indeed fall under the umbrella of “good-looking,” which unfortunately may be another of your many wild, dangerous assumptions.

Because wasn’t the last swarthy fellow who tried to blow up a major airliner on Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a black man? From Nigeria?

Surely, we must profile them too, no? I mean it’s high time someone started profiling the black population of this country. They’ve gotten away scot-free for too long! Perhaps they should spend some time in the white man’s shoes, see how it feels to be systematically discriminated against and harassed all because you happen to be a non-color.

Wait, and wasn’t that shoe bomber Richard Reid, Jamaican and British, and Joe Stack, who flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin (for freedom and lower taxes), also white?

Granted, the last one might not count because he flew his own, private plane into an awful government-run IRS building, which was probably filled with lazy Muslims anyway, making it not an act of domestic terrorism, but an act of national security and unbridled heroism.

Bottom line is, Lt. Commander Dan Fanelli (that’s right, Lieutenant Dan, ‘cept with legs, sans beard), a former Navy and commercial airline pilot, is absolutely positive he can stamp out dirty, rotten terrorists all across this great nation, no make that the world, if the American people would just give him a chance.

A chance to prove that beneath all the crazy, racist rhetoric and asinine suggestions to start plucking out every brown-colored man, woman, and child (you can never be too careful with these things!) for random pat-downs or full cavity searches, there is a warm, caring patriotic white, male American who simply wants to make the country he loves safe from gross, horrible Muslims and/or otherwise tanned people who look like they too might be scary Muslim-y terrorists, hell-bent on destroying America!

It’s not like Fanelli is saying that “all terrorists look alike” or “darker people are more likely to be terrorists” or anything wildly offensive and highly ineffective as that, just that people from countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Syria, and other cesspools of Islam “require a higher level of security,” and that “racial profiling is good.”

The ad, of course, is just an example of using a “little humor to make a point.”

And boy is it funny!

Especially the part when Fanelli refers to himself as the “ripped, good-looking, white guy.” That part is hilarious!!

Same goes for that other part when Fanelli plays a mentally retarded white supremacist who just escaped from the insane asylum.

Naaaaaailed it!

OMG, A Terrorist!!

1 comment to Dan Fanelli Needs Your Help To Make Florida The Next Great, Colorless State No One Likes Anymore

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