Former Bush White House Official (Not Named Dick Cheney) Charged With Attempted Murder of Wife, Self

Former Bush administration Deputy Counsel (and all around swell guy) John Michael Farren has left his wild days as the go-to guy for all legal issues concerning President George W. Bush and the White House in order to spend some quality time trying to kill himself and his lovely wife Mary at their upscale suburban Connecticut home, two days after she presented divorce papers over what she called his “explosive temper.” Hahaha, women.

Apparently, Farren figured what better way to enjoy his idyllic, post-political life than by choking his darling longtime wife and beating her senseless with a flashlight before turning the knife on himself and threatening to slit his wrists in a beautiful homicide/suicide combo act of devotion.

Only slight problem being neither John Michael Farren nor his wife Mary are actually dead. Whoops.

So now Mr. Hot Shot attorney whose savvy legal knowledge was used not by one, but both Bush presidents (coincidence?), is spending his peaceful private sector days languishing in a jail cell where he’s being held on attempted murder and first-degree strangulation charges for $2 million bond. Ha, chump change. Thanks to Bush’s nice tax cuts, even someone in the White House’s second salary bracket should have no problem covering that.

“We are saddened to hear the news,” said David Sherzer, spokesman for George W. Bush. “This is a personal matter and we will not be commenting on it.”

Fred Fielding, Farren’s former boss in the White House counsel office, said, “This report is sad and stunning, and completely out of character to anyone who knows or has worked with Mike.”

Usually, former Bush staffers get away with their crimes.

But then again their experience is typically more of the high crimes against humanity variety. Attempted first-degree murder of a spouse is soooooo vanilla.

1 comment to Former Bush White House Official (Not Named Dick Cheney) Charged With Attempted Murder of Wife, Self

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