Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation’s Independence from elitist accents, crumpets, bad teeth the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner’s weiner, they too can’t say with “certitude” if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News’ wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck’s gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News’ policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn’t in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don’t live in their parent’s basements writing code, “script kiddies” is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement “antisec.”

As to why the group chose Fox News:

“We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec,” said the Script Kiddies representative. “Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,”

Ooops! Guess they shouldn’t have used ‘NOBAMA DIE’ as their password. Gosh, didn’t Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don’t know how, or it’s just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the grief-stricken joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live birth death.

Ya know, for certitude.

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