Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don’t know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn’t!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn’t!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn’t!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark’s Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk’s hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation’s new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D’Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin’ golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send “lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts…where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat.”

The “other side” of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the “vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago,” or as Mark Kirk likes to call ’em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren’t pure snow white, “might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat.”

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin’ Kirk. He certainly’s got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain’t one!

Of course, Mark’s fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago’s south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department’s finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state’s best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K’s in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s A Black Man Stealing My Election!

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