Just Because His Name's Lindsey, He Talks With A Lisp, & Is A Life-Long Bachelor Doesn't Make Him A Gay...Or A Moderate Either!

Oooh, Senator Do Tell!

Justin Bieber look-alike Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) may be a mysterious cross between a middle aged lesbian and a tweenage heartthrob, but that doesn’t mean this baby-faced, sexually ambiguous good ol’ boy from South Carolina’s gonna start donning breeches and waistcoat and throwing back cups of freshly brewed English Breakfast, like the rest of the intellectually hijacked Glowing Orange Puppets in Congress.

This makes the human bags o’ brew very angry…like black man in White House angry!

“The problem with the Tea Party, I think it’s just unsustainable because they can never come up with a coherent vision for governing the country, said Sen. Graham, who has become persona non grata on the right for refusing to trade in his crisp Brooks Brothers suit for a white robe and matching KKK emblazoned hood.

Like the Dinosaurs, Dixiecrats, Dodo birds and John McCain’s integrity, Graham knows “it will die out.”

“Everything I’m doing now in terms of talking about climate, talking about immigration, talking about Gitmo is completely opposite of where the Tea Party movement’s at,” Graham said.

They much prefer shrieking incoherently about losing the country to secret Socialists in the White House and dirty Mexicans in the desert, spewing n*gger and f*ggot-laced profanities, holding up Obama equals Hitler  signs, and equating affordable health care for all with the Nazi slaughter of six million Jews. With obligatory grammatical mistakes and spelling errors like a real, ‘merican patriot.

But that’s not all Sen. Graham said in his traitorous interview with the arugula-eating liberal elitist rag, The New York Times: “‘What do you want to do? You take back your country—and do what with it?’…Everybody went from being kind of hostile to just dead silent.”

What would you like them to do, Linds?? Have actual thoughts and the ability to express these “ideas” into coherent phrases and sentences not involving the words Nazi, Hitler, Communist, Socialist, and/or White Power??

HAHAHAHAHA, good one!

Well excuuuuuuse them if not every patriot wearing decaffeinated bags o’ Lipton on their forehead has the luxury to have their ghostwritten ideas scribbled into the palm of their hand like some elitist, hoity-toity, Lear jet-flying Alaskan Empress by the name of $arah Palin.

These are decent, hard-working, common folk real Americans who don’t have time for fancy shmancy liberal things like using facts and reality to craft policy. The only krafting they do is of the mac ‘n cheese variety and comes in a blue box.

“We don’t have a lot of Reagan-type leaders in our party. Remember Ronald Reagan Democrats? I want a Republican that can attract Democrats.”

Well I want a money tree that rains Benjamins every day before sunrise, and a special wand that waves pixie dust and makes all the dead, oil-soaked dolphins magically come back to life but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen, now does it?

“Ronald Reagan would have a hard time getting elected as a Republican today,” Graham added.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait just a second, sir! Not, Ronnie Reagan! THE Ronnie Reagen, the legendary Gipper and greatest American president ever to grace the face of the Earth, whose very blood, sweat and tears nourished this country back from the brink of destruction from a deadly 1980s combination of gay diseases and Soviet commies rampaging through society.

He would have trouble getting elected as a Republican today?? But he’s got all the criteria! A decaying, Alzheimer’s ravaged mind, a rudimentary grasp of the important issues, an uncanny George W. Bush-like ability to confuse confidence with competency, a personal, direct line to Jesus Christ, and a bizarre, vague, fact-less notion that a robust, strong economy comes by loose change from the couch cushions somehow trickling down to the gross poors and coloreds ruining America with their torn, tattered clothes, cardboard box homes, and swarthy, non-milky white skin tones.

Good thing Graham has the pasty, powdered, “indoor” look Republicans really seem to go for these days. Not to mention the scholastic chops (an impressive “800 combined score” on the SATs) to give a riveting keynote address to the next fine crop of gun-totin’ graduates from some no-name college in bumblef**k South Carolina:

“This country is being challenged in a tremendous way. Broken borders, 12 million people here illegally. Everybody’s upset about that — they ought to be. But somebody’s got to fix it…America’s at her best when she’s thinking about the future and not the moment. So my advice to you graduates is when you get out of school and get a job and a family, try to be part of the solution, not the problem…And the only way we’re going to solve these problems is working together.”


Err, quick Lindsey better think of somethin’ good ‘n redneck to say, and quick!

“Good luck, and I hope all of y’all become rich!”


Naaaaaaailed it!

Of course, life ain’t easy when you’re the cherub-faced, soft-spoken go-to GOP liaison to Barry’s DEMONcratic White House, who is willing to maybe, just maybe, work with gross, terrible Democrats to oh, I don’t know, actually help the country.

“He’s willing to work on more things than the others,” White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said. “Lindsey, to his credit, has a small-government vision that’s out of fashion with his party, which stands for no government…He’s one of the last big voices to give that vision intellectual energy.”

Or at least more than hot air or orange radioactive fallout like some other boneheaded GOP leaders fond of comparing big banks to poor worker ants crushed by nuked up, trigger happy Kenyan Presidents hellbent on restoring stability and integrity to the financial industry.

Like say “the small people” not getting billions in government bailouts as a reward for running their billion dollar corporations into the ground while trying to make a quick buck betting that the securities they sold were actually more bogus than the Republicans’ attempt to solve anything, ever.

“I’m a little worried. This is not healthy for the country. It’s really not.” But at least his party’s unwillingness to work with the Obama administration amounted to an “opportunity” for him to be the Hill’s deal-maker in chief, “I mean, I’m not having to push through people to get to the front of the line.”

That’s because every other Republican seems to have gotten the memo that Barry’s got cooties!

Of course, for his cardinal sins of cooperation, conservatives, wingnuts, and Grand Old Pricks like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh have been all over “Miss Lindsey” like marshmallows and chocolate on graham crackers, insinuating that his fleet-footed tendencies to seek common ground with Democrats, really comes from fear of being outed as a repulsive, limp-wristed homosexual, the single most God-awful, dreadful fate a strapping, testosterone-filled South Carolinian could ever be cursed with.

“Like maybe I’m having a clandestine affair with Ricky Martin,” he said. “I know it’s really gonna upset a lot of gay men — I’m sure hundreds of ’em are gonna be jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge — but I ain’t available. I ain’t gay. Sorry.”

He’s just gay for government!

Unless you happen to know an attractive Oval Office that’s vacant? Cause then he might be interested. He has a long history of going both ways. Only problem being those darn cold feet he gets every time it comes to actually walking down the aisle!

“Reason always prevails,” he said, “if you can market it right.”

Cowboy hat, spurs, a loaded .57 magnum, the perfect amount of manly queer bashing, and a King James Bible in the back pocket oughta do the trick.

“I fully understand 70 to 80 percent of my [Republican] conference is going to reject any idea of putting a price on carbon anywhere,” he told me. For that matter, he said, “the environmental groups are great to deal with — but they think the planet’s gonna melt in five years. I don’t. I think carbon pollution, all things considered, is bad for human beings. But it’s not what I think of when I wake up in the morning…I offer myself as a bridge, and I take a beating for that, and I get rewarded for that. It’s a business. Politically, it is who I am now. There’s no use for me to try to play another game.”

Especially the get-a-life or at least get-a-wife game!

He’ll stick with his sad, boring, homo no life, instead of risking deportation living la vida loca with Señor Martin.

Even if his seven years as a senator and frequent White House visitor have failed to produce a single legislative victory, gay ol’ hopey-changey Lindsey is optimistic that things will improve with the upcoming elections.

“If you look at the Republicans who are likely to come into the Senate in 2010,” he told The Times. “They’re gonna be more like me, not less like me.”

Sexually confused, androgynous, closeted Obama-admiring moderates whose timid, disingenuous bipartisan attempts to (twinkle?) toe the Grand Old Party line come with little style, less substance, and absolutely zero results?

Guess that’s just the way the cookie, err Graham cracker crumbles.

Or in Lindsey’s case, flakes!

5 comments to Just Because His Name’s Lindsey, He Talks With A Lisp, & Is A Life-Long Bachelor Doesn’t Make Him A Gay…Or A Moderate Either!

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