Mark Sanford Knows God Loves Cheating Republican Hypocrites

South Carolina’s shining star governor Mark Sanford may have been thisclose to having his face end up on a milk carton, if it weren’t for the small fact that he was never missing at all, just on a covert op to South America to bang his “dear, dear friend” who understands him unlike that shrew wife of his, Jenny.

For most most moral leaders of the Republican party, a sex scandal (gasp!) like this would normally spell the end, but luckily Mark has a few things in his favor. For starters, his torrid love affair was with an actual child-bearing, estrogen-filled, ovary-producing woman, which happens so rarely with Republicans these days!

Secondly, other than this little slip-up, Mark has long been a shining example of decency, restraint and purity. This dedicated family man was among the first to call for President Clinton to resign after his perverted affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was revealed, saying in 1998, “This one’s pretty cut and dried. I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally to resign.”

But luckily Mark will not be heeding his own advice, caving in to pressure and resigning in shameful SC obscurity. Why? Because God wouldn’t want him to!

“A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise – that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride.”

Um, I’m pretty sure your larger sin was running off to screw your South American mistress while your wife, kids, and and entire broke-ass state twiddled their thumbs wondering where the hell their stimulus-rejecting moral compass of governor was. But hey, who am I to judge another? Mark Sanford or something?

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