No Country For Embittered Old Men

“America, Arizona we’re all struggling. I can’t think of a time in my life when we had bigger or more vital issues at stake than today.”

In fact, Gramps over here can’t remember very much of anything these days!

Ehhh, where was I? Ah, yes…

“The rebuilding of our economy, the security of our nation, our border, and the safety of every citizen in Arizona.”

So long as their white, legal, and not streaming ‘cross Juarez like a bunch of dirty border-jumpin’ cockroaches, John McCain will protect ’em…and he doesn’t even need to speak in complete sentences to prove it.

So goes the latest campaign ad from our favorite AARP celebrity, America’s grandfather John McCain, appropriately titled “vital” because nothing’s more vital than an old man’s vital signs failing as he wanders aimlessly through the desert in a demented haze, searching for whatever it is that Alzheimer’s ravaged washed-up, almost-octogenarian statesman think they’ll find in the parched desert wilderness of the American West (their principles/integrity/soul?).

I sure hope Johnny’s not still wandering endless sand dunes looking for his pants. No matter how many times you tell him he’s already wearing ’em, he never seems to remember!

And the wild, untamed Arizona desert is certainly no place for a frail old man in a cute “Navy” hat, faded jeans, and button-down blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up all adorable just like Meghan taught him, (ummm,what happened to completing the danged sleeve roll-up!?) to walk limp around all by his lonesome, without fearless, heat-packin’ Grizzlies like Sarah or Nazi Governor Jan Brewer to protect him.

Just think of all the dangers Johnny could run into out there, alone in the vast, unforgiving desert! There’s snakes, scorpions, spiders, his long-lost, even more ancient relative, the dreaded Gila monster, wild coyotes, and of course, the most spine-tingling threat of ’em all: scary citizenship-seeking brown people from Mexico innocently singing La Bamba en route to destroying America’s once pure, beautiful, monochromatic white culture. Arrrrrggggghhhh!

Oh no, the dehydration must have gotten to him first because now Johnny’s seeing a mirage: There are happy Arizonans here in the desert with him. And, thankfully they’re all-white like him and also very much want to hear what J Mac has to say. That’s a very nice thought, old man. Tell them about rebuilding the economy, or maybe how you beat those dang Vietcong with nothing but a piece of twine, your own resolve, and the unshakable belief you can do anything if you really put your mind to it. Cept maybe not crashing your plane deep inside enemy territory and getting captured alive.

“I proudly stood up for our state, (even if I need a nice comfy chair now). Never backed down. My father and grandfather taught me and I’ve taught my children: service before self. If ever there was a time to honor that code, that time is now. We will get America back on course, we will return Arizona to safety and prosperity. Working together we can improve the lives of every Arizona family.”

Err, make that every decent white NATURAL citizen who didn’t cross a border or jump on a boat to get here. Or at least had the common decency to do that a loooooooong time ago, before it was bad and everyone hated them for it.

“I appreciate your support, I ask for your vote.”

Hell, he’ll do just about anything for it (including beg!). Hate Mexicans? Him too! Love guns? Same here! Wanna keep gross gays away from the altar? He’s with ya! Can’t stand poor people? Ugh, neither can he! Worried about half-black Socialist presidents destroying America? Ditto for Gramps!

Because for John McCain, “character matters.” DISCLAIMER: void where prohibited, like when running for political office, during hotly contested Senate primaries, or any other time the whole “character” thing is really more trouble than its worth. Which incidentally, much like his urge to “go” in the middle of the night, happens to be occurring with more and more frequency.

But a hearty thank you to John McCain, the original maverick-turned-Desperado (in the sad, desperate, not Antonio Banderas badass kind of way), for using this wonderful ad to send a very important message to voters: “John McCain: Not Dead Yet!”

You’d be surprised how long you can go on ticking after your mind, soul, principles, and dignity have all long left you. Hell, Dick Cheney can do it without a heart or a pulse, so eat that Johnny! But just remember to take your dentures out first…

Oh and big props to the old man for also enlightening America about the variations among states in their treatment of the elderly.

In Alaska, they set the Old People adrift on an ice floe when they no longer serve a purpose. In Arizona, they apparently take ’em out to the desert to hallucinate & wander aimlessly for the rest of their days, as sweet (and by the looks of it, swift) justice for cruelly wooing Alaskan vultures out of their igloos, and unleashing the scavenging beasts upon the rest of us “fresh carcasses” residing in those parts of the county not yet overrun with moose and/or Mexicans.

But, I sure hope he makes his way home soon…the buzzards are starting to circle. Oh wait never mind, that’s just Cindy, Megs, G.I. Jan, SarBear, and the rest of his favoritest gaggle of gal pals. Phew!

Good thing, they prefer their meat a little fresher, without that leathery gristle, and bitter old man aftertaste.