Oh No! Obama Picks Liberal, Jewish Woman Who May Or May Not Be A Real Live Lezzie As Next Supreme Bench Warmer

So the world came to a screeching halt last night when the lamestream media made it official (even if the White House didn’t) that President Barack Obama had chosen the next Supreme robe to fill the large, liberal shoes of John Paul Stevens, who after decades of dedicated bench warming, was apparently ready to return to his hard rock roots, and reunite with his old band Led Zeppelin. Or something like that.

In any event, the important news is that Elena Kagan, former Harvard Law School Dean, U.S. Solicitor General (whatever that is), and Larry Summers look-a-like has been called upon by President Obama to help steer the Bushwhacked Court out of the Dark Ages and back on normal, 21st century course.

In Kagan, Barry’s got all the fixin’s: liberal, but not kumbaya kooky liberal, Jewish (so no more kvetching about Israel or Barry loving Muslims!), an actual ovary-possessing, albeit manly female (grrrrrrl power?), with the added mystery of sexual ambiguity (closeted lezzie, or run-of-the-mill homely woman?) to boot.

When it comes to the hottttt topic of Miss Kagan’s fuzzy sexual orientation, it appears the jury’s still out (no pun intended).

Logically, Elena Kagan is pretty much a sure-fire bet for confirmation, (sketchy closet-case or not).

Truth is, there are only so many things Kagan can possibly be, aside from a smart lady lawyer or judge of some kind.

There’s always the possibility that she’s a full-on lesbian, whose special lady friend is an “open secret,” but who nonetheless backs equal rights for the entire GLBT community, except apparently career legal minds with, umm, shall we say, Supreme aspirations?

Which I guess would make her the first, sort-of out-of-the-closet gay Supreme Court Justice. Hooray?

Of course, the weird, awkward silence around Kagan’s sexual orientation could also mean our newest Justice is bisexual, although something tells me the woman’s not exactly “tearing it up” with either gender, so the assumption that she’s playing for both teams seems slightly far fetched, but hey for all we know, the gal could be the Mickey Mantle of the other, all-time greatest switch-hitting list.

Stranger things have happened, no? Glenn Beck as a voice of reason on the right, Sarah Palin having an “actual” job, John McCain being a maverick, Michael Steele as a competent leader, the list goes on and on.

Then again, considering the White House’s hysterical, furious response, treating the lesbian rumors swirling around their beloved nominee as if they were alleging pedophilia, necrophilia bestiality, or God-knows-whatever is worse than being a terrible queer, perhaps Elena Kagan is simply an unattractive straight woman with the misfortune of looking exactly like a post-op version of Larry Summers, after his M-to-F surgery.

But thanks to the sage wisdom of the Grand Old Party, the biggest opposition to Kagan, isn’t even her questionable gayness, but rather her crazy, liberal belief that the original U.S. Constitution was “defective” because of the whole 3/5ths, blacks-as-slaves thing, as evidenced by her support of Thurgood Marshall’s statement on the subject.

Ha ha, as if the first black Supreme Court Justice is qualified to speak on such matters.

Clearly, the only person allowed to speak on matters of race and racial inequality in America is off-the-hook, hip-hop RNC Chairman of Youth and Lesbian bondage clubs, Michael Steele. For reals, yo!

“Given Kagan’s opposition to allowing military recruiters access to her law school’s campus, her endorsement of the liberal agenda and her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution ‘as originally drafted and conceived, was defective,’ you can expect Senate Republicans to respectfully raise serious and tough questions…”

Tough, hard-hitting questions like when is it okay for Republicans to oppose a Supreme Court nominee for umm, how shall we say this, not being overly concerned with hiring minorities and women over equally qualified white men, the very same affirmative-action ballyhoo conservatives detest and hold in typical white male contempt?

Why, when the nominee is an evil Democrat, of course!

But it takes a really big tent to simultaneously stand up for the awesome Confederacy and its proud tradition of enslaving black people, and bitch and moan about a potential Supreme Court nominee not hiring enough black people during her tenure as Dean of Harvard Law School.

Kagan, whose leadership at Harvard Law marked an unprecedented expansion of the program’s faculty, hired 32 tenured and tenure-track faculty. With one exception, all were white; only seven were women ….

To be sure, conservatives, who as a matter of principle oppose racial quotas for the purposes of hiring or admitting, will be wary of legitimizing such an attack. But with a limited body of published work to her credit–which is to say, nothing at all–the metrics by which the Senate may judge Kagan’s judicial temperament are limited.

Eh, like that’s ever stopped them before. Besides, they much prefer to just make sh*t up anyway. Sooooo much easier that way!

Either way, the White House is pumped about its pantsuit-wearing, Pat-like pick, not named Hillary Clinton.

“Widely regarded as one of the nation’s leading legal minds, Solicitor General Elena Kagan has forged a path-breaking career in the law and in government service, distinguishing herself throughout by her penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment and prodigious work ethic.”

OMG!!! “Penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment, and prodigious work ethic??”

Well, well no wonder Republicans can’t stand the gal.

She’s everything they hate, rolled into one big, butch, flannel and/or pantsuit wearing package. Minus the frilly bow, of course.

Oh, and sorry, Michael, she doesn’t do leather or bondage…yet!

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