Only Erick Erickson Understands The Subtle Wit And Sarcasm Of Erick Erickson

Human contradiction and newest superstar addition to CNN’s savvy news team of teenage Twitterbugs, anonymous bloggers, and painfully awkward adults pretending to be tech-savvy tweens, former Red-State blogger Erick Erickson is so beyond excited to join the most trusted name in news, that he’s willing to distance himself from every insane, rambling, incoherent statement he’s ever made, the very stuff that made him famous enough for CNN to hire in the first place!

Oh goody! But what ever will the new Erick Erickson be like, now that he’s a real journalist on the teevee and can’t really get away with his old style of being the even wingnuttier version of Ann Coulter with a penis?

Well, one thing is clear. Unlike the immature, old a**hole Erick, the new, improved Erick son of Erick certainly won’t be calling any sitting Supreme Court Associate Justices, like, say David Souter, a “goat-f**king child molester.” Naturally, those days are waaaaaay behind him. He’s a respectable member of the mainstream media now, remember?

Like when CNN host turned wingnut enabler Howie Kurtz kindly invited Erick to clear up all the terrible and idiotic things he said, wrote, blogged, Tweeted, and/or otherwise transmitted into the ether, and all Mr. Erickson could do was explain how he didn’t really mean any of the toxic spew he’s been regurgitating for his entire pre-CNN existence, and is of course very sorry if he offended anyone.

Like when he accidentally called Obama administration health care spokeswoman Linda Douglas “the Joseph Goebbels of the White House” because he stupidly confused the White House staffer with a Democratic congressman when comparing her to Joseph Goebbels, Nazi ringleader and chief propagandist of the Third Reich. He obviously intended to call the Democratic congressman Joseph Goebbels, not Linda Douglas, clearly a simple mix-up that could happen to anyone when indiscriminately calling everyone Nazis.

Erickson is also very sorry for wondering aloud if Obama is “shagging hookers behind the media’s back” before conceding that no, he is most likely not, since “Obama’s Marxist harpy wife would go Lorena Bobbit on him should he even think about it.”

Okay, okay, sure it sounds pretty bad, that is, until you put in proper context.

“Well, you know back during the campaign trail in 2008 , a lifetime ago, frankly, in blogging, I was very passionate, very aggressive in defending my side…”

Go on?

Blah blah blah….”since that time I’ve really learned that I don’t have to get personal in blogging to make my point.” That you’re an asshole??

Point is, Erick Erickson has learned the error of his ways. Again. And again. And again.

“I probably shouldn’t have said that.” Probably?

“I’ve definitely evolved over time.” Unlike the human race which sprung right from Adam’s rib. Sorry Eve.

And the David Souter goat f**ker comment?

“About the dumbest thing I’ve done.” Other than be born? C’mon, don’t be modest, with so many asinine remarks to choose from, I’m sure we can find plenty others that qualify!

Was a wake up call to me that “I had to grow up.” But I hit the snooze button instead.

“I’ve definitely had to grow up over time and realize and realize it’s not just me and friends anymore. I think everyone understands you talk in ways with friends and about things with friends you don’t in public.” But only I, Erick, seem to not understand that you don’t then broadcast your racist, bigoted, borderline insane thoughts to the rest of the world.

Of course, what is really upsetting to Erick is not so much that people were offended by all the dumb sh*t he wrote on his blog, since his words don’t mean anything anyway, but that some people had the nerve to yell and be meanies to his sweet, innocent wife or heckle his three-year-old child because of it!

I mean a blog is just a blog, it doesn’t mean anything after all. It doesn’t cry tears or shed blood or feel anything a real human (like my poor suffering wife) does. Like why the hell did I marry your pathetic a**?

And obviously the new, grown up Erick was only being “metaphorical,” like Howard Kurtz so kindly suggested, when he advised his readers to go to the home state of a Washington state legislator and “beat him to a bloody pulp.”

Isn’t it obvious?

Leave it to the crazies on the Left to misconstrue every word the guy says!

Like just yesterday when Erickson informed listeners on his non-CNN radio show what he would do if the the Nazis, Commies, and assorted other liberal Terrorists working for the Feds come knocking on his door, asking him to fill out some evil American Community Survey (ACS), a terrible and frightening extension of the Census.

ERICKSON: This is crazy. What gives the Commerce Department the right to ask me how often I flush my toilet? Or about going to work? I’m not filling out this form. I dare them to try and come throw me in jail. I dare them to. Pull out my wife’s shotgun and see how that little ACS twerp likes being scared at the door. They’re not going on my property. They can’t do that. They don’t have the legal right, and yet they’re trying.

I mean seriously. All Erick did was publicly threaten public employees with a shotgun to the temple if they dare come to his house to do their jobs. And what does the Left do other than misconstrue his comments?

“Naturally the left is out today saying I was on the air advocating killing census workers.”

How dare liberals accuse him of trying to shoot ACS workers when all he really said was that he would pull a shotgun on their intruding behinds for having the gall to step foot on his property?

Ugh, typical arugula-eating media elites. Can’t they take a joke?

Like when we say “bloated, disingenuous sack of hate-spewing shit” Erick Erickson, what we really mean to say is “pathetic sad sack loser fraud who’s too big a pussy to even stand by his own dumb words that he posted on his own dumb blog.”

The “joke” of course being that these are all factually accurate descriptions of Erick Erickson.

Both the classic edition Erick Erickson and the new, digitally remastered beta version Erick Erickson.

Fundamentally flawed, sporadically functioning, ill conceived, and chock full of malicious code that will probably give you a virus either way.

I’m A Mac, And I’m A PC (Trainwreck)

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