Only Mark Kirk Is Man Enough (And Straight Enough!) To Lie About Being A Nursery School Teacher

Pop quiz: What kind of man lies about receiving distinguished military awards, his own sexuality (straight as boomerang!), and just for sh*ts and giggles, being a nursery school teacher, way back when he was just a wee college student in New York?

Give up? Why, it’s none other than (closeted) Illinois Republican Senate hopeful, Mark Kirk, who loves lying almost as much as he loves stretching the truth to make himself look better, smarter, and overall more impressive than he really is.

Okay, okay, it’s one thing to pretend you won the awesome Navy Intelligence Officer of the Year award instead of some lame-o, pathetic group award thingy no one’s ever heard of or cares about, out of a combination of insecurity and sheer embarrassment. This is almost in our realm of understanding.

But seriously people, who lies about being a freakin’ nursery school teacher?? There doesn’t seem to be any logical explanation, unless Mark Kirk just can’t get enough of the thrilling high that comes with pretending he worked with infants still in their diapers?

No one really knows for sure. What we do know, however, is that Mr. Kirk was never in fact a “nursery school teacher,” despite frequently referencing his time as such at Forest Home Chapel in Ithaca, New York, some 30 years ago.

Or at least according to a leader of the church where Mark claimed to have worked all those years ago, who says that Mr. Kirk had (once again) overstated his role there:

“He was never, ever considered a teacher,” Sally Grubb, a member of the administrative council at Forest Home Chapel said in a telephone interview. “He was just an additional pair of hands to help a primary teaching person.”

Well, that’s almost a teacher, right? I mean he did once help build a Lincoln Log cabin with one or two of the whippersnappers while the teacher ran to the bathroom for two or three minutes this one Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be a soul left who actually remembers Mark Kirk’s exceptional stint as the darned best pre-K finger painter and block builder the Empire State has ever seen, or not seen, as the case may be.

Eight longtime members of the church, including two former pastors, said that they did not recall having a male nursery school teacher in 1981, when Mr. Kirk said he had worked there.

“I don’t remember any men who worked there,” said Thomas V. Wolfe, a pastor at the church in 1981, who is now the dean of student affairs at Syracuse University. “It was a team of women. I used to go over every morning and have coffee with them.”

Robert A. Hill, who also served as pastor of the church in 1981 and now is dean of Marsh Chapel at Boston University, also said that he could not remember Mr. Kirk. He added, “You’re going back 30 years, so my memory is not perfectly clear, but most of the teachers were women.”

Hmmmm, now, that’s odd! Unless of course Mark has another little skeleton just waiting to pop out of the closet at the most inopportune time possible.

Like maybe something along the lines of how Mark used to be Margaret when he “worked” at that nursery school, once upon a time ago, and thus could be the source of all this confusion!

“As a former nursery school and middle school teacher,” Kirk said as recently as a March speech to the Illinois Education Association. “I know some of what it takes to bring order to class.”

Some milk ‘n cookies, a few minutes of storytime, and he’s got those kiddies napping faster than you can say nighty, night!

“Congressman Kirk believes his time working in a nursery school and middle school provided valuable life experience,” Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for Mr. Kirk’s Senate campaign said in a statement Friday.

Like always say thank you and you’re welcome, and when in doubt, just remember to lie, lie, lie. Works every time. Errr, almost every time. Uhh, once in a while. Errr, has yet to actually work. But if it does, you’ll be the first to know, right after Marky does, cross his heart and hope to die, scout’s honor. Deal?

But either way, Mark Kirk has just gone ahead and lost himself the hugely important infant vote. And no amount of Peek-A-Boo, Itsy Bitsy Spider, or Mary Had A Little Lamb is ever going to make up for this pathetic, pandering attempt to deceive those three-and-under.

A notoriously fickle bunch, that Huggies-and-Pampers crowd!

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