Pat Robertson Shows his Usual Compassion in Wake of Massive Natural Disaster

With Jerry Falwell’s old bones resting comfortably in eternal hellfire, the world looks to that other, still-living fundamental Christian lunatic for peace and comfort during these trying times.

Naturally, Pat Robertson was there to lead the way, much like he does whenever a massive natural disaster ravages the Earth, killing or injuring hundreds of thousands of poor people, by blaming it on said poors and their unChristian worship of Satan, all for his very important Disaster Relief Fundraiser work.

You see, what history buffs may consider to be cohesive political action that helped abolish slavery in the West, people like Pat Robertson consider to be part of a Satanic pact to destroy civilization. (We can only assume as part of the larger, homosexual conspiracy).

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said we will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.”

“True Story, and so the Devil said ‘OK it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they’ve been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor.”

“That island is Hispaniola is one island. It’s cut down the middle. On one side is Haiti on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc.. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. Uh, they need to have, and we need to pray for them a great turning to God and out of this tragedy. I’m optimistic something good may come but right now we’re helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable.

So, to make a long story short, Robertson thinks that the Haitians, much like the victims of Katrina (who ironically also happen to be of the dark skin variety), made a deal with the devil some 200 years ago–for freedom–when they should have known their place as slaves, and as a result are simply feeling the wrath of an angry God, in the form of the deadly earthquake we see today.

Tough titties. Didn’t Pat always warn what happens to those who forsake Jesus? Or are gay? Or are black? Or are poor?

They end up six feet under like Pat’s dear friend Jerry.

‘Cept they don’t go directly to the 9th circle of Hell near the frozen lake of blood and guilt, so they might not get a chance to send Pat’s regards.

But, don’t worry Pat, we’re sure God reserved a nice cozy place for you, right between your old pals Jerry Falwell and Adolf Hitler.

Oh, and remember that homo teletubby Tinky Winky causing all that trouble?

Well, you’ll be happy to know Tinky’s become Satan’s favorite plaything.

It’ll be just like home!

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