Polygamy’s One Thing, But Jason Chaffetz Won’t Stand by While the Gays Turn DC Into the New San Fran

Straight(?) From the Land of Fruit and Nuts

As predicted in yesterday’s post how, as a result of DC becoming all gay-marriagey, at least one crazy congressman or another will make a furious effort to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Well, it sure didn’t take long for the stars to align and turn this delicious pearl of insight into cold, hard fact, rising not from a muddy swamp per se, but rather a sodium-filled wasteland of Mormons and latent homosexuality otherwise known as Salt Lake City, Utah.

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas.

“It’s going to be exceptionally difficult because Democrats have us outnumbered by large amounts. Nevertheless, we’re going to try.”

Chaffetz, who sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district and can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor, promises to introduce legislation in January.

“If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win,” he said. “It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C.”

Ah yes, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of course! But who exactly is this hetero-crusadin’ Latter Day Saint with the Jewy sounding last name anyway?

Does anyone know? Better yet does Jason even know??

Let’s take a look shall we…

Turns out Chaffetz is actually a Bay Area-born (aka gay liberal) former Democrat whose father John Chaffetz’s brief marriage to Kitty Dukakis (before she moved on to bigger, better men like 1988’s presidential candidate Michael Dukakis) produced this bizarre self-loathing liberal turned conservative wingnut we see today. Hooray!

So this guy, who once upon a time ago was the Utah co-chairman for Michael Dukakis’ Hindenburg-like campaign for U.S. President, suddenly decides he no longer wants anything to do with these godless Democrats who also happen to be his family. But his decision to move from crazy Cali to mild, austere Utah to attend Brigham Young University and convert to Mormonism has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is the wayward son of two prominent Democrats and the half-brother of a Brown-educated liberal politician and multi-talented entertainer, John Dukakis, who actually makes his parents proud, not dry heave repeatedly any time his name is mentioned.

So this Jason character, who apparently has worked out all his family issues, heads to BYU where he excels at football (if placekicker indeed counts as “playing”) until a chance meeting with Ronnie Reagan in 1990 blew his mind (maybe he could be his daddy?) and propelled him on his current path as a crazy Republican wingnut trying to preserve traditional marriage so as to spare the next generation from suffering his same terrible non-nuclear childhood in Sodom & Gomorrah San Francisco.

Not to say his kooky right-wing stance on everything from global warming (liberal hoax) and immigration (put ’em in barbed-wire tent cities) to sinful gay marriage (the ULTIMATE abomination before the Lord) has anything to do with unresolved family issues.

Or the fact that his biological father John Chaffetz is a gay-rights advocate and author of popular pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

Or the fact that in a December 11, 1989 Sports Illustrated article, legendary BYU placekicker Jason Chaffetz described his position in the rough ‘n tumble manly sport of AMERICAN FOOTBALL: “It’s like being a ballet dancer—tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking.”

Which is exactly how you’d expect any confident, straight, testosterone-fueled man to describe their athletic prowess on the field, especially in the 100% heterosexual sport of Football.

Or at least someone with such impressive leg strength and dexterity that they fold like a cheap suit five seconds after being manhandled in a nationally televised leg-wrestling match with Stephen Colbert.

This guy is straight-as-an-arrow! Or at least the kind of arrow who just loooooves ballet and simply cannot say no to rolling around on the floor with another grown man.

Nope, Rep. Chaffetz’s obsession with keeping the dreaded gays off the altar is not the least bit suspicious. Much like his sexual orientation.

Mano y Mano: Colbert Vs. Chaffetz

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