Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie

Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.


Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming’s top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that’s why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil ‘n sludge lodged between their ears.

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn’t warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.

“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”

OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain’t got nothin’ on Adam’s Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.

“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”

Oh, Markey! They’re probably just playing peek-a-boo.

“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”

Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn’t you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn’t going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security…We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican’s House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

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