President Obama Unveils 2012 Budget, Which Republicans Vow To Fund Using Glenn Beck's Gold-Plated Coins, Pixie Dust, & Rosary Beads

President Barack Obama is positively hellbent on “Winning the Future” and in his crazy, radical, hippie-dippie, elitist, Socialist, Muslim, Terrorist world, that entails doing crazy, radical things like making sure America’s kids are educated enough to read, write, and at the very least, spell their offensive, racist protest signs properly, and demanding that U.S. multinational conglomerates occasionally pay a few dollars of tax so Uncle Sam doesn’t have to cut programs that help the very poorest and most vulnerable do things like buy food and pay their heating bills so they don’t starve or freeze to death this winter.

Well, this does not sit very well with congressional Republicans who are less concerned with pathetic olds and poors, and more concerned with something called the deficit, all $3.7 trillion dollars of it!

Good thing then that President Obama’s 2012 budget proposal cuts the federal deficit by $1.1 trillion over the next 10 years, courtesy of a sensible combination of spending cuts and ending lucrative tax breaks for Billionaires who don’t need it, so they will invest in remodeling their own deluxe marble his & her bathroom to help the nation get back on budgetary track.

“Cutting spending is important, but we can’t sacrifice our future in the process,” Obama said. “We have a responsibility to invest in those areas that will have a big impact.”

How else will we be able to smart bomb Muslims with pin-point precision and state-of-the-art stealth?

“Education is an essential part so that every American is equipped to compete with any worker, anywhere in the world,” Obama said. “Engineering and math, critical thinking, problem solving, these are the kinds of subjects and skills our children need.”

Nonsense! Those are wacky, liberal skills only arugula-eating elitists with hoity-toity things like jobs need.

But still, a trillion dollars! Poof! Cut! In only a decade! Which, for Republicans, is the equivalent of amazing, mind-blowingly wild, NSA sex with Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition supermodels in a WWF-size ring filled with the sweat & tears of children and luxurious warmth of petroleum oil.

So what does all of this even mean? It means that Eric Cantor does not approve, that’s what!

According to The Hill:

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., called Obama’s proposal a missed opportunity to address the nation’s fiscal problems.
“We need a government that finally does what every other American has to do in their households and their businesses, and that’s to live within our means,” Cantor said in a statement. “Instead, President Obama’s budget doubles down on the bad habits of the past four years by calling for more taxes, spending and borrowing of money that we simply do not have.”

Amen, Young Gun Eric! Finally someone understands the way things work in the real world, known as Republican magic happy land.

The wondrous place where kids are taught to read, write, and ‘rithmetic not by teachers in the classroom, but by building stealth fighter jets, bunker busters, and massive oil rigs under the supervision of military generals in cramped Chinese factories. Where old, crumbling roads, bridges, and buildings are fixed by praying to Jesus Christ, and bloated budgets are balanced by Ronnie Reagan’s Economic Law of stealing from the poor and giving to the rich so they can keep laundering all their profits through the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, for freedom. Where America is once again restored to its former greatness, and able to trickle its Glorious Exceptionalism down on the world below by something even more miraculous than Glenn Beck’s magical VapoRub droplets, John Boehners glowing, orange tears, or Eric Cantor’s smugly ambitious, albeit suspiciously saline-free, crocodile ones.

Like say the Republicans’ inexplicable ability to stave off extinction and serve in Congress instead.

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