Rielle Goes Huntin’ For Respect, Sans Pants, Amid Stuffed Kermit And Barney Dolls

Wholesome, American-as-apple-pie, love bunnies Johnny Edwards and Rielle Hunter’s fairy tale romance of dull, cancer-stricken wives, reckless infidelity, unchecked hubris, mass delusions, unbridled lust, wild, sex-filled romps, and one surprise li’l bundle of joy by the name of Quinn is now available for your voyeuristic pleasure, courtesy of Rielle Hunter’s classy yet sexy new interview with the National Enquirer of glossy men’s fashion magazines, GQ.

With some 10,000 words and enough fun, care-free pantsless photos to keep us titillated, mistress-turned-baby mama Rielle Hunter finally decided to open up something other than her nice, toned legs and give America the real scoop about life, love, the wrath of Lizzy, scorned, and of course, her “relationship” with number one hunky hero, “Johnny.”

Among the highlights, or lowlights depending on your taste for pathetic, bizarre love triangles involving fallen presidential candidates, snooty, terminally ill wives, and trashy, new age hippies:

-On her relationship with Edwards and their daughter, Quinn: “I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don’t want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship.”

Except for having daddy pretend the li’l bastard didn’t exist for those first few formative years, lest the child feel confused, unloved, or like a big, fat, life-destroying mistake or anything.

-On her use of “Johnny”: “Isn’t that funny? You know, when I first met him, the first week of our relationship, I said to him, ‘For some reason I cannot call you John, it doesn’t come out. Could I call you Johnny?’ And he said, ‘That’s my name.’ And I didn’t know that, but that’s his actual birth name.”

Right next to his other God-given full Christian name, smug, cheating, lying, no-good rat bastard.

-On Edwards’ support of her GQ interview: “He’s very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it’s something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth.”

Okay, fine just incredible orgasms truth.

-On rumors that she initially hit on Edwards: “I’m not a predator, I’m not a gold digger, I’m not the stalker. I didn’t have any power in that way in our relationship. He held all the power.”

Trust me, the dude literally OWNS her.

-On Edwards’ interview with ABC News, in which he reaffirmed his love for his wife, Elizabeth: “[I]t was very painful. Because I had this thing in my head like a lot of women, where you want your man to stand up on a cliff and scream, ‘I LOVE HER.’ You know, the knight in shining armor. And that wasn’t what was going on.”

Eh, more like the knight in shining armor who plunges his sword of chivalry and honor right through your maiden heart before chucking your lifeless body off said cliff onto the craggy rocks 5,000 ft below.

-GQ: “Did he call you after the interview?”

-Hunter: “Yes. And I said, ‘Ouch, that hurt.’ And he said, ‘I’m sorry.’ And ‘It doesn’t mean anything.’ And it didn’t. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that. We love each other very much. And that hasn’t changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn’t go away. It’s unconditional. It’s unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There’s a lot of passion there.”

About 25 pounds of sweet passion who goes by the name of Quinn.

-On why she thinks Edwards loves her: “Um. How do I answer that? [long pause] I mean, I could give so many answers. I could give a spiritual answer, that I reflect back to him large parts of himself that were unconscious. Like, he’s a huge, huge humanitarian. He is very kindhearted and sweet. He’s very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden.”

An angel disguised as a deceitful egomaniac with a God-complex, and penchant for $500 haircuts, Italian leather shoes, and wild extramarital sex with weirdo videographers.

-On Edwards’s fall from grace: “Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he’s fallen to grace. He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren’t the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are.”

He just had to insert himself deep within Rielle first.

-On their future together: “I have no idea. I do know that I will love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond. We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together.”

But probably closer to the “I have no idea” part.

-On Edwards telling Hunter of his marital problems with Elizabeth: “Well, I was aware of it from the get-go. He doesn’t lie to me…He discloses everything to me. And he has no fear of lying to me…He’s not afraid of me. He’ll tell me anything and everything. Even disclosing to me when women hit on him, and everything that was said, and if he flirted. He has no fear that I’m going to abuse him…

“… And I believe what happened in his marriage is, he could not go to his wife and say, ‘We have an issue.’ Because he would be pummeled. … Most of his mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth. He’s allowed himself to be pushed into a lot of things that he wouldn’t normally do because of Elizabeth’s story line. And the spin that she wants to put out there. He was emasculated. And you know, the wrath of Elizabeth is a mighty wrath.”

See, it’s all that bitch with the cancer Elizabeth’s fault.

-On her empathy for Elizabeth: “Oh, my God, I have such compassion for her. I really do. I mean, especially when you have terminal cancer…I watched my father die of cancer. It’s heart-wrenching to me. But it’s also sad to me, her unwillingness to take responsibility for her part in the marriage. And her unwillingness to face the truth. We’re all slaves to our unconscious, but she really believes that it’s everyone else’s fault. And that’s heart-wrenching to me, too.”

And that’s why I stole her hubby, made a baby with him, and refuse to crawl back into the dank, dark D-List Hollywood hole I came from.

-On how Elizabeth discovered the affair: “And she came into the room or he heard her coming, so he hung up the phone abruptly…And then she confronted him and confronted him, and he finally confessed. He didn’t confess like she claims in her book. You know, that he came in on December 30 and confessed that it was a one-night stand. That whole one-night-stand thing is not true.”

It was many one-night-stands over the course of many passionate, love-making months, God Damn it!

-On when the affair ended: “My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different. … That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that.”

I mean a person can only whore around for so long before she starts getting restless, and demands a little more respect than wham bam thank you ma’am.

-On Edwards as a father to their daughter: “Um…he’s sweet. He’s very loving…She calls him Da-da…She’s always known who Da-da is. Yeah. She’s never had Da-da missing from her life…He very much wants to be in her life full-time, and he doesn’t want to hide.”

Shhhhhhh, I think Quinn’s coming. Quick, get under the bed, try not breathe too much, and whatever you do, keep your stinkin’ trap shut!

-On her being called “kooky”: “Kooky. I think that I can give someone kooky, you know? I’m not conventional, I don’t fit into a box. But I am grounded. Don’t mistake…I am very grounded. People also say I’m crazy. And there’s no crazy about me. At all…Perception is projection. Like, for instance, Josh Brumberger, who said in Game Change that I was at the Regency dressed more appropriately for a Grateful Dead concert. Because from Josh’s perspective, I seemed weird and wacky. In reality, I was wearing a black TSE cashmere sweater, a Kenneth Cole suede jacket, and jeans. But in his mind, I’m dressed to go to a Grateful Dead concert. Total projection!”

Just like how everyone thinks I’m a dirty, good-for-nothing homewrecking whore who may or not be totally insane, is 100 percent total projection. An illusion, like Elizabeth and Johnny’s marriage.

-On a potential Hunter/Edwards wedding: “To date [laughs], we have not spoken about any wedding plans.”

Oh you know Johnny, he’s such a romantic, I’m sure he’s planning our nuptials now…right after he figures out the best way to send me on a way-one trip to becoming one with the heavenly spirit that flows freely from our third eye out to the cosmos and back again, in sweet divine harmony.

-On Andrew Young initially claiming paternity of Edwards’ child: “It was Andrew’s idea. The first time Andrew said it, I was on the phone with Johnny, and Johnny was screaming at me about the National Enquirer finding me and photographing me. He was very angry. And Johnny doesn’t scream. He’s not a screamer. But he was screaming at me that day, and Andrew suggested, right then and there, ‘Hey, tell him that I’ll claim I’m the father.'”

And Johnny stopped shrieking and crying just long enough to say “good idea, Drew. You pretend to be the unstable asshole father and I’ll pretend to be a presidential candidate.”

-On an alleged sex tape: “I’d love to answer that. But I filed papers and we’re in a lawsuit, and I just can’t talk about it. [Having sought and won a temporary restraining order to prevent the distribution of the tape, Hunter is suing the Youngs for invasion of privacy.] But I do look forward to talking about it in court, under oath. The truth of all that will come out in court.”

Let’s just say Johnny knows a thing or two about what women want. Trashy, sleazy home-wrecking hell women. It’s like he almost is one of them.

-On the National Enquirer’s Pulitzer potential: “To me it shows, as a society, how cut off from the truth we are, that a magazine that pays their sources and every once in a while gets something factually correct is now eligible for a Pulitzer. Wow, we’re all going to hell.”

No, just you and your angel-in-disguise soulmate Johnny!

-On what she would have done differently: “The only big thing that sticks out is, I never would have gone along with Andrew Young claiming paternity. I would have stood up to that and said, ‘Absolutely not. I don’t care what the consequences are, I’m done.'”

Well, actually that’s not the only thing that sticks out, but I am a respectable woman, and mama always said a real lady never kiss and tells.

-On knowing the very first night that you were something special to him: “I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, “Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President.”

On the other hand, fucking you is a sure-fire path to the presidency.

To which Rielle of course said, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”

Or just have Him spend some alone time with Rielle.

It’s great for relieving tension. When you’re with her, it’s like the weight of the world just sort of washes away, right along with your judgment, dignity, self-respect, marriage, and any chances of being the next great commander-in-chief to catch a couple BJs in the Oval Office by someone other than the wifey.

It’s called respect.

Look At Me, I’m Sandra Dee, Lousy With Virginity…

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