Rod Blagojevich Unleashes The Page-Turning Truth On America!

OMG, this is the moment all of America–no, make that all of the world–has been waiting for! The truth about about what really happened to Illinois’ most stylish lego-haired crime boss governor: straight from the source himself. So you know it’s all true!

The new, “tell-all” (if the insane rantings of one deranged man qualifies as tell-all) is called The Governor and is going to blow the lid off the conspiracy against that innocent lamb Rod Blagojevich once and for all.

Among the juicy tidbits to look forward to is our faithful hero Blago comparing himself to the Godfather and O.J. Simpson while explaining how he’s been victimized by rivals and “unethical” prosecutors.

Of course, when it comes to that “f**kin’ golden” senate seat he is (falsely!) accused of trying to sell, Blagojevich calls his efforts “routine,” writing, “I was merely engaged in the ordinary and routine politicking that frequently accompanies a significant appointment by the governor.”

To be honest, his only thought in selecting a new senator was, “How much do I love the people of Illinois?”

“Had I appointed myself to the United States Senate or even appointed my wife — which again, I could have legally done — our lives would in all probability be a lot different than they are today,” he writes. “A lot of people advised and encouraged me to appoint myself senator. Deep down, it didn’t feel right to me.”

Swell guy.

But what did feel right was appointing someone with an ego as big as his own, whose unearned sense of entitlement ensured he would accept the appointment (no questions asked) and refuse to back down for any reason, be it logic, good sense, or the rule of law.

Blagojevich also uses his Pulitzer-worthy book to blast U.S. Atty. Patrick J. Fitzgerald for smearing his good name and telling reporters that the governor had been arrested to stop a “crime spree.”

“Mr. Fitzgerald didn’t stop a crime spree,” Blagojevich explains. “He stopped me from doing a lot of good for a lot of people.”

Damn you, Fitzgerald! Damn you to hell! What were you thinking stopping Gandhi Blagojevich from fulfilling his life’s work helping to save the world? Now we’ll have to wait until Rod finishes his lengthy prison term to apologize on behalf of America for getting everything all wrong about the world’s most misunderstood Elvis impersonator.

Can you find it in your heart to forgive us, Il Padrino?

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