Salty, Straight Rep. Eric Massa Doesn’t Enjoy Steamy Showers With "Satan’s Spawn" Rahm Emanuel

Salty sailor and socialist sex monster Rep. Eric Massa is finally setting the record straight (ha ha, straight) on his whole real cancer/gay cancer resignation scandal that sent shock waves across the world Page Six of the New York Post.

Turns out, New York’s own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin’ George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.

Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.

Ooooh, this one has Pulitzer written all over it. Yay, Fox!

“I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu,” he said.

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing “Auld Lang Syne” (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the “inappropriate” remark.

“One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don’t know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

“And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, ‘Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'” he said.

“And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes.”

OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn’t throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?

It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.

And all it took was one “salty” drunken comment for the Democratic “forces that be” to “orchestrate a character assassination” to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.

“Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they’ve gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots,” Massa said.

“The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did.”

It’s not that hard when you’re a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for “doin’ the nasty.”

But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it’s hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.

Luckily, there’s the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic “witch hunt” to oust him from power.

Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n’er do well since that good-for-nothin’ NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.

“Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn,” Massa said on his radio show. “He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive.”

Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??

Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York’s 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to “inspect” this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, “I don’t want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch.”

The nerve of that terrible battering Rahm, offering advice to help a fellow Democrat actually win the House seat, which he lost, in his first run. Ooops!

But that’s not it! Massa also described a heated exchange he had with a naked, now-White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel years later in the House gym, where the shower curtains had ‘inexplicably’ been removed. Hmmm, whatever you say Massa.

“I’m … naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget,” Massa said. “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

But, also how oddly arousing…

Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!

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