Sarah Palin's 140-Character Response To "Goofball Media's" Damning Article? "Cake Ink," Duh!

File under YAWN:

Okay fine, so that Vanity Fair piece about how Sarah Palin is really some sort of temper-tantrum throwing monster who doesn’t even write her own tweets(!), was sort of poorly sourced (albeit still fun!), but that doesn’t make it any less damning does it?

The answer is no, no it most certainly does not!

Even her Arctic highness felt compelled to respond via her now (in)famous ability to squeeze indecipherable nonsense into 140-character blasts of idiocy, and give those “media goofballs” a li’l piece of her sharp (ghostwritten) mind!

But just one question, Sar, what the hell is “cake ink?” No one seems to know, not even Merriam-Webster, but maybe we could ask li’l Trigger??

Of course, Sarah does have a point “re: Bristol=a diva.” Why does the lamestream media just assume celebrated unwed teenage mother Bristol is a distinguished opera singer? Have they ever even trekked up to the Upper One and asked her to sing, on the spot, that “Un bel di vedremo” aria from Puccini’s Madame Butterfly?? Because if they did, surely they would know that Bristy has problems reaching the customary range for lyric sopranos, from middle C to high D, full-throated, with timbre and dynamic control.

Ha ha, ya goofballs!

But anyway, back to the lamestream media’s Vanity Fair article, which perfectly captures the life of professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore Sarah Louise Palin by comparing it to a decrepit onion: “Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath.”

Ah yes, nothing new there. But dig a little further my friends, and the pungent, tear-inducing aroma of the rotten vegetable that is Sarah Palin’s entire existence rears its ugly head (kinda like the goofball journylists?) and starts to unravel, much like her chances of winning an actual election, anywhere outside the frozen Arctic tundra and fearless Russian buffer zone called Alaska.

To some such goofball types in the media, like Politico’s Ben Smith, the Vanity Fair article,” embellished almost beyond recognition” is nothing more than a portrait of “Sarah Palin as monster,” which he is implying, we suppose, she is not.

Hmmm, interesting stance to take, Ben.

“The Vanity Fair story also focuses on Palin’s temper, which may well be a real quality but can’t be quite as out-of-control as its portrayed: It isn’t something the campaign staff — even the large number of them who derided her as lazy, undisciplined or unready — complained of.”

Oh no? That’s funny, cause I, too, always thought she got her various Mama Grizzly/Barracuda/deadly predator nicknames for being a loving, docile creature, as gentle as a little lamb, who wouldn’t so much as hurt a fly!

“But my takeaway from the magazine piece is more that you can really write anything about Palin,” he added.

So true, Ben! But then again, that could be because she is actually a monster, and thus any and all actions indicating such monstrosity is possible, likely even. Or maybe it is simply because she is actually everything, both the hockeymom maverick and feminist pitbull (who may or may not also be Jesus Christ in lipstick), depending on which group o’ patriotic Teabaggers and/or fundamentalists are paying her moose piles of money to speak off the palm of her hand now.

But with literal pages to choose from, which juicy, ridiculous bits of crazy shall we pick? Among the funnier nuggets:

When John McCain decided to pull out of Michigan, a decision Palin disagreed with, Recher and Palin hatched a plan one day to make an early-morning drive to Michigan anyway. The Secret Service, becoming aware of the plan, asked the McCain campaign what it should do. The answer came: “Shoot out the tires.”

Oh HAHAHAHA, isn’t it just too funny when two grown adults sharing a presidential ticket (and possible leaders of the free world) descend into nearly open civil wars at the end of their pathetic, losing campaign? Downright hilarious actually!

Turns out, our star of the Snowy North is almost as generous a tipper as she is at conducting unscripted interviews involving complex policy discussions.

“Palin does not always treat those ordinary people well, however—it depends on who is watching. Of the many famous people who have stayed at the Hyatt in Wichita (Cher, Reba McEntire, Neil Young), Sarah Palin ranks as the all-time worst tipper: $5 for seven bags. But the bellhops had it good in Kansas, compared with the bellman at another midwestern hotel who waited up until past midnight for Palin and her entourage to check in—and then got no tip at all for 10 bags. He was stiffed again at checkout time. The same went for the maids who cleaned Palin’s rooms in both places—no tip whatsoever.”

Ugh, the ingrates! Umm, just be thankful you still have your limbs, okay? ‘Cause one more peep from your ungrateful lips and SarBear will be more than happy to rip one of those appendages clean off! How’s that for a tip??

Oh, and Sarah is such a good mother, not only was eldest daughter, and current Public Service Announcement star, Bristol, pregnant before she graduated high school, another one of her children was already failing in school when Sarah was announced as McCain’s pick. Which one you ask?? Probably not Trig, who despite the whole special needs thing, may just be the most competent one of the bunch.

Let’s see what else…Oh yeah, her awesome ability to murder innocent mammals from both the cold, snow-packed ground, and from a helicopter 15,000 feet in the air:

“This whole hunter thing, for Sarah? That is the biggest fallacy,” says one longtime friend of the family. “That woman has never hunted. The picture of her with the caribou she says she shot? She got out of the R.V. to pose for a picture. She never helps with the fishing either. It’s all a joke.” The friend goes on to recall that when Greta Van Susteren came to the house to interview Palin “[Sarah] cooked moose chili and whatnot. Todd was calling everyone he knew the day before—‘Do you got any moose?’ Desperate.”

Next time, why not just take one of the countless dead and stuffed carcasses decorating the home office, plunk that badboy in a boiling pot of water, and voila! authentic Alaskan supper is served!

And then there’s the horrible, Earth shattering news that Sarah Palin probably doesn’t even use her own brilliant mind to write those crazy tweets and semi-coherent Facebook rants. NOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so, please say it ain’t so. The fate of the Internets rests upon it!

After she hired a Conservatives4Palin blogger as a consultant, suddenly Miss Thang’s social networking communication skills went from boring, dull rambling gibberish to super-exciting, sassy rambling gibberish.

But her voice, or at least a voice that sounds much like hers, was about to turn up in another venue. When it was first set up, in January 2009, Palin’s Facebook page might as well have been a file cabinet for official press releases (“Palin Pushes Parental Consent Legislation”) written mostly in a stiff, third-person form. The same was true of her Twitter feed, which went live in April. After Mansour’s voice disappeared on C4P, however, Palin’s voice on Facebook and Twitter started sounding increasingly provocative and irascible… Palin’s virtual voice does sometimes have the ring of authenticity. But often it sounds less like Palin herself than someone else’s fantasy version of Palin at her most vitriolic. On one occasion Palin’s virtual voice contradicted remarks she made in a TV interview two days later.

Probably, the cake ink’s fault!

But, alas, all of the nation (and world!) can rejoice knowing that the dream of Sarah Palin as President of Real America may soon be reality. And not just the kind of reality that has Levi & Bristol sledding to the altar on primetime teevee, the other, real-life kind of reality!

When Devon calls to tell her that Glenn Beck has booked the Dena’ina Center, the largest venue in Anchorage, for a speech on September 11, 2010, she sits bolt upright and yells. Immediately, they start trying to figure out what the news might mean. “Listen, listen, listen: Why in the world do you imagine Glenn Beck would come to Anchorage on 9/11? You think he might have a special guest? With a special announcement? Oh,” she says, her whole face falling as the implications of a Palin campaign kickoff hit her, “Jesus Christ.”

OMG, Woohoo! Socialist fist bumps all around! Grab a (Joe) six pack, your favoritest moose casserole recipe, and fire up the Twitters, this Arctic missile’s ready to BaROCK that evil arugula eating Socialist Muslim terrorist right out of office and back to the Kenyan wilderness where he belongs.

Or in Sarahspeak: “A cackle of rads,” “Media goofballs,” “Cake ink,” The End.

Hooray, America is special (needs) once again!

4 comments to Sarah Palin’s 140-Character Response To “Goofball Media’s” Damning Article? “Cake Ink,” Duh!

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