Sarah Palin's Alaska: All The Flippin' Fun & Freedom You Could Cram Into 663,268 Sq. Miles Of Frozen Arctic Nothingness

“This is flippin’ fun! I’d rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I’d rather be out here bein’ free!” — Sarah Palin, Mother Of All Grizzlies Everywhere

Hear that America? Sarah Louise Barracuda Mama Grizzly Palin has big plans, BIG PLANS, to soon become President Empress of God’s America, because, well, there’s only so many moose piles of money to be made frolicking with Li’l Trigger in snowshoes on the basic cable channel for out-of-work Americans curious about what it’s like to be a lonely dwarf in a normal-sized world, or a newly abandoned single parent tasked with raising a litter of 25 bratty kids, the Discovery Channel Learning Channel, or whatever.

But until our beloved squall from the Snowy North drifts in along the Arctic current to take the actual oath of office as President of Jesus’ America, Sarah Palin has agreed to squeeze a couple more mil from her favoritest place, Hollywood, for the privilege of giving the nation the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see the great State of Alaska through the wondrous, pristine, snow white eyes of Shakespearean scholar, world-famous moose hunter, and living legend, St. Sarah, America’s most cherished national treasure, right after the endangered Grey Wolf, Sockeye Salmon, and Kodiak Bear.

That’s right nation! Barring some unforeseen circumstances where, say, Sarah decides to treat her latest employment like every other job (including that last dumb Governor gig!), and ups and quits halfway through the series, freedumb-loving ‘mericans from oil-soaked coast-to-coast will be able to see sweet Sarah shine for eight whole exciting episodes of reality-teevee idiot antics.


Now, the all the free world (‘cept gross Muslims, and those living in bustling towns with pop. less than 500) can tune in while Sarah introduces other unemployed illiterates to the best (and only!) state she knows anything about, in terms of it being the only state freakin’ cold enough to collectively freeze the brain of its citizenry long enough to actually elect someone like Sarah as its leader, along with all the other amazing things a person can do while living in the Final Frontier, like make precious, li’l miracles of God in the back of Todd’s pickup, field dress freshly shot mammals (no, no, Levi doesn’t show up until the finale, silly!), and take a tour through SarBear’s ol’ stomping grounds, like the abandoned meth factory and used tire lot she once called home, wondrous Wasilla!

But lest you think this is some arugula-eating elitist librul show full of hoity toity indoor activities like readin’,  writin’, or even thinkin’, remember this is Mama Bear’s Alaska, we’re talking about!

A reality show about a woman who has not the slightest grip on reality!

That means check your brain at the door and gear up for plenty of action-packed adventures, skiing, snowshoeing, four-wheeling, fishing, watchin’ grizzly cubs fightin’, enduring SarBear’s signature, avalanche-inducing shrieks ’bout tranquility & bein’ free, and of course, Mama Bear Sarah’s sage parenting wisdom “No boys go upstairs!”

That’s right! You heard the woman, if you want to have bad drunken teenage sex and get knocked up like your big sis Bristy, you know the rules!

It’s either the old shed out back or on primetime television on a major network like ABC, “Thrusting with the Stars” or something, as is befitting of a future first daughter not some abstinence-crusading cock tease in sequins and stilettos who already has one lil miracle of God under her chastity belt.

Not that it matters anyway since Sarah just wants to have flippin’ fun bein’ free: “I’d rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office.”

Your wish is our command! Oh, you betcha!

Now if you’ll be a dear and sign along the dotted line. Or just growl. Either one, really!

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