Schemes From My Father: Newt Gingrich Knows Those Who "Understand" Obama Are Nothing More Than Radical, Kenyan Anti-Colonialists

Actual insane person and amphibeous swamp dweller Newt Gingrich has been searching all weekend for something, anything, to make himself finally look relevant again, ever since his crusade against Oval Office blow jobs came to a screeching halt back in 1999, when some dude with silver hair and a weird name singing about women’s thongs ruled the charts, and some dude with white hair and a weird name preaching about presidents catching some under-the-table-love was on his way out of ruling the House.

So, like any washed up, power hungry, (ego)maniac desperately clinging to the glory days of the past, cute-as-a-salamander Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich delved deep into the internets, taking a break from his usual browsing of various dating sites for “new young women without cancer for affairs and maybe more,” to seek the holy grail of demented Obama lies in the form of an obscure Forbes magazine article written by none other than esteemed right-wing nutjob and token, self-hating, brown, immigrant Republican, Dinesh D’Souza, to prove to America, once and for all, the real truth about a one Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero.

But just what are these startling new facts unearthed by Dinesh D’Souza (the kind of dark person from another country you can trust, if you hate dark people from other countries) that 2012 GOP hopeful and newfound historian/scholar/journalist Newt Gingrich is calling “the most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama.” Oooh, sounds promising!

Drum roll please!

Barack Obama’s central motivation is to weaken America, viewing it as an evil colonial power: “Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation’s agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son.”

Did you hear that, people? Barack Obama is ruining America in order to realize the socialist, anti-colonialist dreams of his drunk-driving, wife-beating polygamist African old man (who he barely knew), Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.,whose absence defined his young life more than anything else, en route to fulfilling the actual, not pulled out of Dinesh D’Souza’s ass, dreams of his father to promote “a reformist accommodation and cooperation with the West, and do away with what he considered Kenya’s flawed socialist economic model.”

If you’re the type of perosn who is blown away by utter and total nonsense culled from the possibly syphilitic-brain of Birthers and other raging madmen, then like Newton, you also probably find yourself asking this serious follow-up question:

“What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?” Gingrich asks. “That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior.”

Well, the correct answer is clearly YES, based on the enlightened findings of the same foreigny-named wingnut who helped us understand that 9/11 is the fault of the “cultural Left,” whose deviant lifestyle of homosinuality, abortion, and equality for women understandably repulses the good, decent, moral Islamic extremists who, as a result, rightfully plowed two planes into the Twin Towers to show the world their contempt for impure societies that refuse to behead/stone to death/pour acid on disobediant women and children. Duh!

But just what does this mean for the rest of us who happen to actually comprehend Obama’s position on things? Well, according to Newt logic, we must all be rabid Kenyan anti-colonialists, fulfilling the deviant wishes of our Luo tribesman fathers.

Of course, some people in America may be upset to learn that by voting for Obama Junior-Senior-Squire-Lawyer-Community Organizer-Radical Black Panther-Patron Saint of Socialism, two years ago and/or supporting policies like affordable health care, tax cuts for those besides oil shieks and companies that Dick Cheney chairs, spending money on education and infrastructure not endless wars on whims or double dares, and equality for those not just white, over the age of 60, and lounging in retimerment/gated communities in Florida or Arizona, wearing too-tight swimming trunks up to their man breasts and a beer belly as a badge of courage, then you too have fallen victim to the transcontinental conspiracy known simply as Barry or B. Hussein Jr/Sr(?), depending on which fringe segment of the population your 2012 hopes are contingent upon pandering to.

“I think he worked very hard at being a person who is normal, reasonable, moderate, bipartisan, transparent, accommodating — none of which was true,” Gingrich continues. “In the [Saul] Alinksy tradition, he was being the person he needed to be in order to achieve the position he needed to achieve …. He was authentically dishonest.”

Oooh, good thing, in addition to being the thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, toxic slime covered expert on ‘authentic dishonesty,’ Newt Gingrich also happens to be the world’s sole authority on curing the increasingly virulent Kenyan anti-colonialist disease rampaging from coast to coast these days.

To repair your brain’s ability to separate actual facts from the deranged rantings of a demagogue’s corroded mind and restore your God-given, Red, White, ‘N Blue, Family Values American sensibilities, all you need to do is elect Newt as President of Life, err make that Everything, come 2012.

It’s as easy as one, two, three cheating on your cancer stricken wife!