Sen. Coburn’s Chief Of Staff: Playboy Will Make You A Gay!

Whoever said the Republicans were out of ideas, obviously never met Sen. Tom Coburn’s delightful chief-of-staff Michael Schwartz whose bold, groundbreaking solutions for curing homosinuality sent shock waves through this weekend’s Values Voters Summit.

Of course everyone knows the evils of homosexuality, but what you probably don’t know is that pornography is directly linked to contracting the queer bug because ALL porno is GAY porno. It is!

“Pornography is a blight,” Schwartz told the audience. “It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

Ummm, please tell me he’s not about to go all Pee-Wee Herman on us now?

“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Schwartz told the crowd about Jim Johnson, a friend of his who turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS. “One of the things he said to me,” said Schwartz, “that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd. “Now, think about that,” said Schwartz. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

Ya hear that Johnny??? All those nudy mags under your mattress? Take one look, one look my young friend and it’s leather pants, feather boas, and nothing but Barbara Streisand and Broadway shows for you. Got it flamer?

So eat well, exercise, be kind to others, and for the love of God, whatever you do, always remember the golden rule, son: tits and ass=faggot!

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