Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut, Sometimes You Just Pretend

Much like bullsh*tting a bullsh*tter, outcrazying the certifiably insane group o’ herb ‘n spice enthusiasts known as Teabaggers, is no simple task!

But, in order to look like a teabagger, one must act like a teabagger. Which usually involves some combination of morbidly obese middle aged white men with bad hygiene and greasy mullets, dressed in colonial costume, carrying Nazi/Hitler memorabilia, and/or misspelled, grammatically incorrect signs (likely about how Prezdent Obamar is a lyin’ Muslin) who would like nothing more than to take a shovel to innocent white babies and grandmothers all across the U.S. of A.

Okay, sounds easy enough…

Meet Jason Levin, an Oregon technology consultant and the leader of Crash The Tea Party, a new movement to take down the tea party from the inside by posing as racist, hate-filled slobs who love tea but hate black presidents who help poor people not die.

“Our plan is not to shout them down,” Levin told TPM, “but to infiltrate them and push them farther from the mainstream.”

Like all the way to Wasilla?

Apparently, dressing like John Hancock and spontaneously falling over dead outside of Nancy Pelosi’s office in protest of health care reform, is already so mainstream, it’s as American as apple pie! If that apple pie was decorated with a beautiful Red, White, and Blue swastika atop it’s delicious flaky crust.

Levin’s tea crashers plan to make their first strike during Thursday’s thrilling Tax Day Tea Parties, where they will dress like tea partiers, talk like tea partiers and carry signs like tea partiers. In other words, they’ll act so freakin’ deranged and out of their minds, they’ll be completely indistinguishable from real tea partiers, save for the fact that they still have all their teeth.

“Our goal is that whenever a tea partier says ‘Barack Obama was not born in America,’ we’re going be right right there next to them saying, ‘yeah, in fact he wasn’t born on Earth! He’s an alien!” Levin explained.

He believes that by making the tea parties sound like a gathering of crazy people–which is the group’s goal–the movement will lose its power.

Ummm, we’re still waiting??

“Whenever possible, we will act on behalf of the Tea Party to exaggerate their least appealing qualities (misspelled protest signs, wild claims in TV interviews, etc.)” Levin said.

Let’s not forget ignorant, racist, pieces of white trash who still believe the Sun revolves around the Earth and God created the world in six days, using the 7th day to rest and also figure out the best way to smite the homos, abortionists, and evil, college-educated liberals wallowing in Godless iniquity.

“The lower the public opinion of them goes, the less coverage they’re going to get in the mainstream media,” Levin said. “Then the GOP stops listening to them and they disperse and they go back to their militias and cabins in the woods.”

You mean Fox News moved its headquarters??

Levin emphasized that his group is non-violent, and not interested in “perpetuating racism, homophobia or misogyny,” saying that “members are free to do as they wish.”

But if violence breaks out at one of these Woodstocks for Wingnuts, or more teabaggers prove their patriotism by shouting “n*gger” and “f*ggot” at their elected representatives, it won’t be because of his group.

As Levin explains it: “If you see someone wearing a Nazi uniform at a tea party, it could be one of his members. If you see some one wearing a Nazi uniform throwing a rock, it’s definitely not one of his members.”

Trying to eat the rock? Definitely one of theirs.

But not all in the ‘bagging crowd much care for these hoity-toity elitists infiltrating their proud ranks of Constitution and Lipton-loving patriots of Pure, White America, and as such, have issued the usual death threats and panic alarms over these arugula-eating impostors masquerading as fellow Earl Grey-sippin’ white supremacists.

“What can they say?” he said. “Either we’ve infiltrated their group so pervasively that they might as well hang it up, or we haven’t infiltrated them that much they really are just racists.”

Racists, c’mon! Now where in heavens would you possibly get an idea like that??

Either way, Levin believes all the attention just serves to make his plan more successful.

“How do you spot a fake tea partier? Do they have a tea bag tattooed on their forehead?” he said. “Thanks to us, the next time you’re at a tea party and you see a guy with a misspelled sign you’ll have to say ‘is this guy an idiot? Or is he just an infiltrator?”

That depends. Is he harassing old men with Parkinson’s, mocking sick children, or laughing at poor people with cancer? If the answer to any of the above is yes, then you my friend, are in the presence of real, live teabagger.

Ummm, run for your lives!? Oh, and God Bless America!!

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