Somewhere Over The Rainbow, There's A Skinny Blond Alien Woman Who Hates You, But Will Gladly Take Your Gay Money Anyway!

Are you a self-hating fag or dyke who enjoys getting heckled, harassed, mistreated, discriminated and/or all around abused by the wonderful homophobic (closeted?), fear-mongering, hate-spewing, queer-bashing nutjobs on the right?

If so, then boy do we have the the event for you!

For the bargain price of one pair of Gucci shoes, (or if you’re more of the high-rolling sponsorship type, the price of a Gucci suit), you too can reserve your very own spot for the hottest thing to hit New York since the scourge of homosexuality caused those two planes to crash into the World Trade Center, GOProud’s first annual Homocon 2010 bash “celebrating gay conservatives.” All six of them!

Woooohoooo! And as if that weren’t fabulous enough, headlining this one-of-a-kind Republican-sponsored Gay Old Party, is none other than “the right-wing Judy Garland” the inimitable poster chick for insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts, giraffe-necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere Ann Hart Coulter (I know, I know irrrrronic!).

Well Miss 50ft Thang over here loooooooooves them rainbows sooooooooooo much, GOProud figured which long-limbed lunatic better to represent the stylish, well-groomed, pink-hued minority she’s always prattling on about than her bad, gay-bashing self?

“The gay left has done their best to take all the fun out of politics, with their endless list of boycotts and protests,” said Christopher Barron, chairman of the board of GOProud. “Homocon is going to be our annual effort to counter the ‘no fun police’ on the left. I can’t think of any conservative more fun to headline our inaugural party then the self-professed ‘right-wing Judy Garland’ — Ann Coulter.”

Soooooooo true! I mean unlike those lame ‘no fun police” on the gay left always whinin’ ‘n wailin’ about dumb equality and constitutional rights for the LGBT community, these fabulous fashionistas on the right prefer to have their fun the fundamentalist way, complete with awesome headliners who’d love nothing more than to round ’em all up and ship ’em off somewhere far, far away like Barry’s African homeland, where they can be with the rest of their untamed, wildebeest brethren.

Referring to recent incidents in which individuals against “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” chained themselves to the White House fence, Barron added, “I can promise you, Homocon 2010 will be a hell of a lot more fun than chaining yourself to the White House fence.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Totes! Because everyone knows handcuffs should never be used to protest terrible, discriminatory policies that unfairly target a specific group because of their sexual orientation, silly! They should only be used during off-the-hook RNC fund-raising gigs at lesbian S&M clubs. Like, duh! Any moron off the streets could tell you that, even freakin’ walking disaster Michael Steele, for reals yo!

But either way, certainly there is no better choice than the Judy Garland of radicals and white supremacists to drum up excitement for an event whose invitation includes the sage, scientifically sound declaration, “Our gays are more macho than their straights!”

They so are! Especially when pretending to be straight, while secretly getting sucked and f**ked by some hot man tail, all the while using their strapping white hetero power and vote to keep dem deviant, eternally damned queers in the closet with the rest of the “straight” Republicans already sardine-packed, sweaty and tight, in there.

For those not familiar with Miss Coulter’s extensive, dedicated past efforts advancing the rights of gays and lesbians throughout America, let’s take a look at some of our sweet, sinewy spokeswoman’s finer, more memorable LGBT moments.

Like her most recent rant against that “irritating lesbian,” 18-year-old Mississippi activist Constance McMillen, claiming that heterosexual-only proms aren’t civil rights violations. Ugh, when will those dumb dykes learn their civil rights to dance to Kei$ha and get felt up by the cheerleading captain quarterback are not the same as a a beautiful, normal straight person who actually has a shot to be crowned this year’s prom queen?? I mean can’t they just stick to their flannel shirts and field hockey and be done with it?

Or back in 2007 when she so lovingly dropped the f-bomb, referring to then-presidential candidate, and still-not-yet-universally-despised-philanderer, John Edwards as a “faggot.”

“I was going to have a few comments on the other presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot,'” Coulter said while speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2007.

Awww, snap! So, guess that means Ann will be joining fellow blond f-up LinLo and sex fiend Tiger Woods for a 28-day program at a posh spa retreat in SoCal?

Of course, unlike GOProud, that other, slightly less self-loathing organization for queer conservatives (or is it conservative queers?), The Log Cabin Republicans had a slightly more appropriate reaction to a public figure spewing homophobic hate all over the Fox News room into the family rooms of America’s highly impressionable public.

“Coulter’s words are not worthy of this event or our nation’s political dialogue,” President Patrick Sammon said in a statement, prompting Ann to clarify her views on the #1 outpost for frustrated demagogues, hate-spewing meatheads, and peroxide-colored former Hooters waitresses, Fox News.

“‘Faggot’ isn’t offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays,” she explained. “It’s a schoolyard taunt meaning ‘wuss,’ and unless you’re telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person.”

Hellloooooo! I mean what kind of idiot doesn’t know that??

Certainly GOProud understands these things. “She came out and said that she was not calling him gay,” Christopher Barron said. “She said it would have been an insult to gay people to call him gay.”

“Liberals in this country want to view conservatives in a narrow prism, but we are a tolerant, accepting group. The fact that she’s doing an event for a traditional conservative group speaks volumes for how she feels about gay people.”

In fact, the only thing worse than those nasty, heinous AIDS-plagued, demented sex fiends & sodomites is a slimy South Carolina gent with a deep southern drawl, $400 perfectly coiffed hair, delusions of presidential grandeur, and an ego the size of his bank account, who leaves his cancer-stricken wife to make oral sex videos and bastard babies with his very pregnant, very sleazy mistress, who very respectfully poses with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy dolls, in a fleabag motel while helping him campaign for the highest office in the land.

Talk about gay!

Oooooh, maybe there is hope after all for Rush Limbaugh to MC this year’s NAACP Image Awards…complete with 100% non-offensive, non racist blackface and special guest appearance by Mel Gibson.

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