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Mitt Romney Demands Barack Obama Immediately Suspend His Campaign Because America Deserves Better Than The Truth

OMG, people, did you hear the news? The terrible, no-good, Earth-shattering, game-changing news about Joe Biden saying the word “chains,” which is taboo because it is racist against Mitt Romney and also “divisive” “disgusting” and “not uplifitng,” three things Republicans know absolutely nothing about. Nothing!

Well, well Mittens isn’t going to take this insubordination sitting down. […]

Mitt Romney Picks Fiscal Sociopath, Ayn Rand Fanatic Paul Ryan As His VP; America Shrugs

So there you have it, America.  The moment you’ve been waiting for, the day that Willard “Mitt” Romney finally picked his running mate, the next (non)vice-president of the United States, Rep. Paul Ryan of the great state of Wisconsin.

Hooray!

But just who is this nice young man from down the street who looks like a Boy […]

Move Over Wonka, Mitt Romney's Golden Ticket Is Worth A Lot More Than Some Dumb Visit To A Chocolate Factory

Poor Mittens. He tries so hard! In his latest, greatest, desperate attempt to appear human, Willard Mitt Romney decided to share a precious li’l gem from his childhood, a deliciously tasty nugget about his family’s care-free life of privilege and wealth:

“I found a little paper card, a little pink card, and it said, ‘This entitles […]

Mitt Romney Wins The Gold In The Olympic Sport Of Insulting Entire Kingdoms

With Willard “Mittens” Romney having trouble connecting to the riff-raff and vagabonds not retroactively raking in nine-figure salaries here in America, his advisors figured why not let ol’ Mitt try his perfectly manicured, white-gloved hand with the fine blokes across the pond, in the one and only land of Mary Poppins and mincemeat, wee Londontowne.

Naturally, […]

Mitt Romney Is Too Busy Horsing Around To Bother With The Whole "Tax Return" Thing

Poor, misunderstood, possibly criminal Mittens! He and his dancing horse have hit a bit of a rough patch, and all the hoof-clicking and fancy four-legged prancing in the world (of horse ballet) may not be enough to keep this Mormon Stallion perched comfortably atop his High Horse.

Because, you see, Willard “Mitt” Romney may […]

If A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words, Then This Mitt Romney Classic Is Worth Even More Than He Is

“Vote For Me Or The Mormon Gets It!”
-Mittens 2012

Sidney Barthwell might be the most interesting man in the world you’ve never heard of. He doesn’t always drink beer, and when he does, he probably doesn’t even prefer Dos Equis.

He also doesn’t always discuss which fellow classmate and future famous presidential candidate he […]

Mitt Romney Must Have Confused 'Big Love' With 'Brotherly Love' Because He Somehow Ended Up In West Philadelphia

Innnnnn West Philadelphia, born and raised, on a playground is where I spent most of my days…

Hahaha, just playing, as the cool kids like to say these days. As if Willard “Mitt” Mittens Romney VIII would ever step a single freshly-shined shoe on one of those cement poor peoples’ slabs to bounce balls and play […]

Michele Bachmann Knows Her Campaign Was "Mistake-Free" In The Same Way Her Husband Is Gay-Free

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, […]

Mitt Romney Sticks To His "It Gets Worse" Campaign, Bravely Allowing His Gay Adviser To Be Bullied Out Of His Job

Oh no-zees! Looks like the constant spew of homophobic outrage from the strictly heterosexual, not-at-all-suspiciously-anal-sex-obsessed closet cases on the right over Mitt Romney’s hiring of an openly gay campaign adviser has worked its wondrous, sodomite-busting charms.

Apparently, the yelling was so loud about Mittens’ decision to hire a known homosexual to advise him on the GOP’s […]

Ann Romney Knows There's Nothing Stiff About Mitt, At Least From The Waist Down

Oh Ann. When not driving around in a “couple’a Cadillacs” or saying oblivious, tone-deaf rich lady things to the American people, like how she doesn’t “feel rich” (or anything, really), Mittens’ delightful, faux impoverished wife enjoys ruffling a few feathers, so long as they’re the finest down, exceedingly rare, and prohibitively expensive to anyone not […]