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Oh Mittens! He’s just like you, America, except that he grew up the privileged son of a Governor and went to elitist east coast prep schools followed by elitist east coast Ivy League universities where he met all kinds of powerful people who could help him amass the kind of ungodly wealth that makes car […] Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard “Mitt” Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are. Whoopsies! You see, to […] New (Old) Flavor of the Month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible. Like, say, the latest, greatest selection […] Congratulations America! All your hard work, tireless efforts, and Cindy McCain’s beer money have finally paid off because John McCain, THE John McCain, has officially defeated certified nutjob and So little time, so much money to be made! Whatever is a gal to do? Well, if that gal happens to be a certain Arctic princess and Alaskan cash cow by the name of $arah Palin, then you betcha she’ll be moo, baby mooing all the way to the friggin’ bank! Because the woman can literally do […] Frustrated over the excruciatingly slow, molasses-like pace of financial reform in the Senate, courtesy of the Grand Obstructionist Party’s reluctance to so much as even open debate (it only took three separate tries!) or move forward in any way, shape, or form (progress is evil!), sweet talkin’ senate majority leader “Dirty” Harry Reid blasted the […] |
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