Thanks To Discovery, Sarah Palin's Reality Is Now The Whole World's Reality!

When magical Alaskan wonderwoman Sarah Palin was first thrust upon us, the unsuspecting masses, by a senile old man in the final throes of his desperate campaign to stave off creeping dementia and (not-so) early retirement, our immediate thoughts were who is this breathtaking woman and where the hell has she been our whole lives?

Truth is, sweet Sarah was already well on her way to fame and fortune as the well-respected, bright, shining star of local KTUU-TV in Alaska, until her obvious lack of talent and brainpower prevented her from assuming the coveted full time spot as Anchorage’s fan favorite anchor of the snowy North, and our lovely maverick decided to try her hand at the whole “politics” thing instead. Ya know, for fun!

So, after her brief stint as mayor of the abandoned, former gun factory and methamphetamine lab known as Wasilla, before coming thisclose to completing a full elected term as governor of the entire majestic snow factory and stalwart Russian buffer, Alaska, Sarah Barracuda is back where she always wanted to be: in the spotlight and well on her way to capturing her first (of many) coveted basic cable versions of a Daytime Emmy award.

Yes, this darling defender of both ‘special needs’ children and ‘special’ adults who scribble cheat sheets on their hand, has struck a deal with the evil, arugula eating elitists at the Discovery Channel to make a reality teevee show about the only Alaskan thing anyone cares about: its favoritest export, the one, the only, multi-talented maverick herself, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

Woohoo!

Now the whole wide world can learn all about the wondrous land of helicopter hunts and moose stew, where nothing comes between God and man except a fur-lined parka and whatever hapless creature (or liberal) happens to wander into the cross hairs of Sarah’s Remington rifle, and ends up decoratively hanging on the wall of her home office.

Even better than this new, educational teevee show starring Caribou Barbie on a fishing boat, is the cha-ching! little Miss Conservationist will make for her small-screen primetime debut, meaning her patriotic efforts to help the nice oil companies “drill, baby drill” wherever good, old-fashioned AMERICAN oil is found may no longer be necessary.

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska will center on interesting characters, traditions and attractions in the 49th state — with the ex-VP candidate as a guide. Producer Mark Burnett and Palin pitched the show to all four major networks — but given the travelogue nature of the series, cable expressed more interest in the project.”

The show is believed to have fetched more than $1 million an episode–not bad for someone whose longest work experience consists of posting on Facebook, has a small habit of quitting EVERYTHING she ever starts, and not doin’ so hot when asked actual questions, instead of relying on her usual repertoire of winks, snaps, and hilarious ghostwritten witticisms she had Meg Stapleton tattoo her palm before she upped and quit too! Those crazy rogues!

Perhaps also influencing her decision to choose Discovery over A&E (other than an actual contract), was Palin’s concern over being lumped in with some of A&E’s other luminaries such as Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Lest the public get the wrong idea she actually works for her money and has expertise on anything other than how to have your high school teenage daughter get knocked up, abandoned by her baby daddy (so he can follow his porn star dreams), and in charge of her brand new PR firm and abstinence-only education crusade about how you too can have your very own precious miracle of God drunken one night stand sans the jimmy hat.

Besides, doesn’t Sarah already have her own reality TV show? Think it’s called the news.