Thanks To Republicans, America Isn't Just Safe From Gays, But Immigrant Children & Their Gross, Immigrant Ways

Rejoice America! Because yesterday, while Senate Republicans — some of the most sexually open, secure people in the entire world — were patriotically filibustering the very idea of debating the possibility of maybe repealing Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, giving terrible gays and lezzies the right to die for their country, the Grand Obstructionist Party were also working hard, killing that “other” awful Mexican-ish measure which would help Dora the Explorer and other no good, dirty, job-stealing brown people become actual American citizens, like true defenders of the Constitution!

It’s true! The Democrats’ so-called Dream Act, (or as Republicans call it, the un-American Nightmare Act) would allow “children of undocumented immigrants who’ve contributed to the country, by attending college or serving in the military, to get on a path to citizenship,” which everyone knows is a horrible idea that makes us want to vomit in our mouths, and would do nothing more than turn the pure, homogeneously white U.S. of A into some unrecognizable, muddled red & green, salsa dancing Estados Unidos wasteland.

But thanks to the hard work and diligence of Senate Republicans, America is finally safe from the deviant gays and terrifying anchor babies/future 9/11 hijackers. In other words, precious li’l miracles of Allah and mini Mohamed Attas in diapers. Like Dora the Explorer Conquistadora Jihadist Warrior.