The Cheers! That Changed The World

Remember the good old days when the only qualification for being president was how many people wanted to grab a beer with you? This flawless construct that twice gave us President George W. Bush may no longer be the gold standard but that doesn’t mean beer has to be exiled to shameful obscurity, too!

Which is why Barry is bringing barley back. That’s right. The president of the world is hosting a racial summit/happy hour to smooth over a little incident involving a non-racist white policeman arresting a black Harvard professor in his home, making him very angry, which in turn caused the president to get angry and say something about stupid cops acting “stupidly.” Which didn’t go over so well with the stupid cop in question.

So basically Obama got himself in the middle of this mess and now finds himself hosting an afternoon kegger on the White House lawn. Being President sucks!

But what Obama can’t understand is why everyone is so “fascinated about this evening” when it’s just “three folks having a drink at the end of the day and giving themselves a chance to listen to each other.”

The goal of Thursday’s brew crew isn’t to amuse the media with their clever, albeit inaccurately named “Beer Summit” but to reduce the “anger and hyperbole” and promote “self-reflection” on an event that has become “so hyped and so symbolic.”

An event that should never have happened since the election of Barack Hussein Obama as president was supposed to mean the end of racism forever. So much for promises!

But the real surprise was the appearance of resident ice-breaker Vice President Joe Biden, who enjoyed a cold one along with the President, Cambridge police Sgt. Jim Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., who of course already had the pleasure of making acquaintances when the former arrested the latter on the charge of being a black man living in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood.

“Even before we sat down for the beer, I learned that the two gentlemen spent some time together listening to one another, which is a testament to them,” Obama said. “I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart. I am confident that has happened here tonight, and I am hopeful that all of us are able to draw this positive lesson from this episode.”

Like how getting arrested isn’t always a bad thing. If you play your cards right, it may even come with a White House tour and beer party on the Rose Garden lawn, complete with frosty mugs, all-you-can-eat silver bowls of pretzels and peanuts, and the one-of-a-kind comic stylings of Fightin’ Joe Biden.

“I think many people would have hardly imagined something like this happening this time last week,” Gibbs said. “I think that kind of dialogue is what has to happen at every level of our society if we’re going to make progress on issues that we’ve been dealing with for quite some time.”

“I don’t think the president has outsized expectations that one cold beer at one table here is going to change massively the course of human history by any sense of the imagination.”

Don’t sell yourself short people! This changes everything. Now, not only is it possible to have a black man as president of America, it’s also possible to get arrested before getting wasted. And to think, I always thought beer drinking was supposed to precede the disorderly conduct charges. Silly me!

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