The Fighter In Herman Cain Wants To Keep Running For President, But The Lover In Him Has Forced His Premature Evacuation

Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain’t has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman’s head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear “friend” by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.

Oh, the Hermanity!

The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:

An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”

But because he’s a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.

He’s also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.

“I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away,” he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be “a voice for the people.”

Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.

“I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision,” Cain said. “These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems.”

Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman’s Candy Cain?

“So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself,” Cain said.

And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.

Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.

Likely followed by its sequel 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.

Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.

Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.

[image via New York Times]

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