The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li’l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don’t get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin’ orange dwarf sextin’ with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin “doesn’t really approve” of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is “not 100 percent backing us up right now.”

Oh, really you don’t say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster’s white wedding (in snow only–wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to “struggling with forgiveness” and other oddly decent human qualities.

“She’s apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn’t want to see me get hurt again,” Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it’s more she doesn’t want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy’s shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she’s gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain’t spit!

“Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

Ummm, we’re actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

“She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this,” says Bristol. “I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

“She’s going to wait to see if he changes… But she’s just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure.”

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she’s engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

“Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'”

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin’ life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin’ no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash “angry” Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised ‘n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess’s, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that’s Mama’s girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

“What I’ve done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns — and that is scaring me.”

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of ’em!

“My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don’t want to see me get hurt. They don’t want to see again what I already went through with Levi.”

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

“People are more worried for me than excited for me.”

I can’t possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama’s same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin’ baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like…ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!

“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”

Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can’t solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what’s this we hear about First Dude Todd’s going rogue??

“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”

Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li’l Tripp and Levi’s matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd’s li’l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week’s issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier’s foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can’t make it.

She’ll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad “After Love” and its accompanying sexy new music video about a…wait for it…”loony interfering mom,” of all things!

In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he “riffed off [Johnston’s] real-life situation.” It shows a couple sharing “tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother,” the Associated Press reports. “Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi.”

OMG, looks like Levi’s joined wifey Bristol as America’s other most prominent young actor. Guess she’s not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It’s like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol’ ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling’s gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) ’til she’s (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

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