The Only Thing The GOP’s Newest, Craziest Idea Repealing The 14th Amendment Accomplishes Is Making Life Even More Awkward For John McCain

“You know, look, I know it’s babies we’re talking about and it’s hard to be tough on babies but let’s remember we’re talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not because they love the kid, cause they want that child to provide them the benefits of U.S. citizenship.”—Attorney Wendy Murphy arguing to repeal the 14th amendment on Fox News (where else?)

When you have to start your sentence with the words “You know, look, I know it’s babies we’re talking about and it’s hard to be tough on babies,” perhaps that’s a point you shouldn’t be making.

I don’t know, call me old fashioned, but any way you slice it, hating on babies just doesn’t seem to be a very tasteful, not to mention, winning strategy.

Oooooh, sounds like Republicans just found themselves the perfect new rallying cry to fire up the base and boot that no good Barry fellow out of the White House and back into the harsh Kenyan wilderness where he belongs. This time, in the form of wretched diaper-wearing ne’r-do-wells looking for a free lunch, bottle of formula, lactating nipple, or whatever the case may be, by committing the unforgivable crime of being born within the nation’s beautiful borders (Alaska included!), or at the very least, one of its lesser “territories” like Guam or “American” Samoa. The sweetly, conservative-named “anchor babies.”

No, no, we’re not talking about the adorable new cartoon infants to join Dora the Explorer on her maritime adventures, but something far far more sinister: pregnant women desperately climbing barbed-wire border fences (and dodging armed gangs of trigger-happy white supremacists) all for the chance to drop a tiny brown automatic U.S. citizen out of their gross foreigner wombs onto once-pure, now-sullied American soil.

Such 142-year-old aggression simply cannot stand!

Because in these terrifying times when anyone including a half-black man (from Kenya!) with nothing but a Hawaiian certificate of live birth to show for, can waltz into the oval office as President of America, something must be done to save the nation from descending into total multicolored chaos, at the hands, err make that wombs, of all these unwelcome invaders from Africa and their equally sinister Latin counterparts.

Good thing there are still a few brave (white) souls left in this mongol-overrun cesspool of muddled brown and black hues to stand up and say, “enough of this 142-year-old constitutional madness, and century-old Fourteenth Amendment oppression giving the children of illegal immigrants a right to U.S. citizenship,” a blight that’s been destroying the very fabric of this great nation since the dumb liberal, immigrant-lovin’ bastards in the McKinley administration.

Proud patriots like Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch McConnell who has decided to join the rest of the brilliant visionaries in his party in their spectacular new idea to change the Constitution and repeal the part of the 14th Amendment that grants children born in the United States citizenship.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with,”  McConnell explained, before retreating into his protective shell, safe from terrible drooling intruders, where he feels comfortable.

Of course, one could argue that all the Americans born here, whose parents are immigrants, are already comfortable with the law, but that’s assuming immigrants are actual people, which everyone knows is just absurd!

What is not absurd, however, is the notion that nothing screams red-blooded conservatism like concocting new and creative ways to kick more brown people out of the country via changing hundred year old constitutionally enshrined laws. Yay!

“People come here to have babies. They come here to drop a child,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said on Fox News. “That shouldn’t be the case. That attracts people here for all the wrong reasons.”

Ugh, ya know, wrong reasons like providing a better life for their li’l bundles of Al-Qaeda disciples-to-be, escaping persecution in their native country, and all the rest of the silly, senseless, rash reasons why grown men and women decide to upheave the only life they’ve ever known, leave livelihoods and loved ones behind to make the uncharted, often perilous journey across thousands of miles of ocean and land. All to settle in a scary, unknown place where they don’t speak the language, have no means of support, and are often subject to the wanton discrimination and cruelty that comes from those lucky enough to have their grandparents, great grandparents, and other ancestors blaze the trail for them.

As opposed to the right reasons like say Republican senators from crazy wingnut states like South Carolina desperately trying to prove they’re not turning into some gay liberal because they voted to confirm lesbo softball playing socialists to the Supreme Court, and don’t shriek “cooties!” every time a Democrat comes near them in the congressional cafeteria by going after that highly dangerous, all powerful Huggies-and-Pampers crowd, disingenuously forcing their way out of uteri all to take advantage of good, hard-working, real ‘merican babies, whose parents had the decency to be born here instead of some stupid, remote village in China, in the first place.

At least some Republicans understand that without the 14th amendment, Chinese people couldn’t be citizens, because, come on, Chinese people!? The last thing this country needs is more math-and-science-savvy Asians running around, inverting their T’s and R’s, building railroads, inventing things, and contributing to America instead of Mother China for the last century and a half.

Almost as amazing as watching Republicans try to out-crazy each other with terrible, untenable ideas, aimed at those most disadvantaged and unable to defend themselves, is the comical lengths some Republicans, such as certain former Prisoners of War turned current Prisoners of Wingnuts, are willing to go to try not to have to support this crazy idea, during an otherwise ho-hum morning press conference.

“We’re talking about the stimulus right now,” John McCain said, before darting off to the elevators down the hall from the Senate studio, where he again declined to take a question. Reporters eventually caught up with McCain in the basement of the Capitol, where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.

TPMDC asked, “Do you support the Minority Leader’s push for hearings into the repeal of birthright citizenship?”

“Sure, why not?” McCain said briefly.

“Do you support the idea itself?”

“I support the idea of having hearings,” McCain said.

“Do you have a problem with the 14th amendment?” another reporter asked.

“You’re changing the constitution of the United States,” McCain said. “I support the concept of holding hearings.”

“I support the concept of holding hearings,” McCain repeated, turning to the rail car conductor.

“Let’s go!” he snapped. “I don’t have anything to add to that.”

Now, typically there is something both hilariously funny and tragically sad about witnessing a withered old man shed every last fiber of his integrity en route to becoming a soulless, brain-dead puppet of the right, dancing (err, at least attempting) slowly around an issue as clear-cut and obvious as taking away the constitutional rights of the toothless, under-1 crowd who use pacifiers and diapers, need constant 24-hour care and coddling, and can’t even do anything for themselves.

Be careful now, Johnny, after all, the only thing separating a nursery from a nursing home are three measly letters.

And judging by your Grand Old Party’s logic, you’re one pacifier away from deportation yourself.

Hasta la vista, baby!

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