The True Colors Of Massachusetts’ Favorite Nudie Model $enator Scott “Birthday Suit” Brown

After holding up financial regulatory reform several times to umm, help make the bill more big-bank friendly and less common-citizen friendly like a good, real Republican, Scott Brown, the former Cosmo cover model turned faux teabagger turned Massachusetts Senator has finally agreed to stop being such a Grand Old Prick, and support the darn bill, instead of riding his big, oil guzzling pick up truck all over it for like the Constitution ‘n stuff.

Which is great news!! Because now the bill’s passage seems likely, or at least until the next big, Brown-like A-hole starts disingenuously whining about how beautiful business will suffer under the brutish hands of big, bad government, and the whole thing collapses once again.

Just like our nation’s economy!

So, after taking his sweet behind time deciding whether it makes more sen$e for him to join the gross DEMONcrats to support a Wall Street reform bill (and risk biting the very hand that feeds him!) or stick with his own good-for-nothing, Grand Obstructionist Party and let the fat cats on Wall Street continue running roughshod all over the dumb schmucks on Main Street, Scott Brown has finally decided to do the right thing, and pretend to help his other, non-corpulent feline friends for a change, moving Democrats closer to the 60 votes they need to block another delightfully fun Republican filibuster for freedom.


I’ve spent the past week reviewing the Wall Street reform bill. I appreciate the efforts to improve the bill, especially the removal of the $19 billion bank tax. As a result, it is a better bill than it was when this whole process started. While it isn’t perfect, I expect to support the bill when it comes up for a vote. It includes safeguards to help prevent another financial meltdown, ensures that consumers are protected, and it is paid for without new taxes. That doesn’t mean our work is done. Further reforms are still needed to address the government’s role in the financial crisis, including significant changes to the way Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac operate.

But the best news is that thanks to my changes, it doesn’t really safeguard anyone anymore, except of course the only ones who matter: my hot cosmo self and my corporate cronies’ cash flow.

Bottom line is I’ve done my job vacillating back and forth, stalling the bill’s passage until after the July 4 recess to make Democrats look even more pathetic & incompetent (trust me, they’re quite capable on their own!), not to mention stripping (reminds me of my young bachelor days!) the legislation of all its consumer-protecting strength like a real freedom-fighting, Grand Old Patriot of the all-mighty greenback. Dolla dolla bills ya’ll!

But why the sudden change of heart from Mr. Nudie Heartbreaker himself?

Perhaps the Democrats dangled a cookie in front of Scott, ya know, something to really entice him to join the dark side, and vote on behalf of actually regulating the mammoth industry that helped cause the crisis, while at the same time continues to profit off the fiscal misery by duping the dumb public into believing that Republicans actually give one red cent about them, or their foreclosed home.

Something really tempting, like promising his daughter a slot on America’s Next Top Model, or if he gets the urge to bare all in another beautiful birthday suit photo, maybe even him too. Like a special father-daughter spread or something super sweet like that.

What can Brown do for you? Other than show his true chameleon-like colors by being too yellow to stand up to glowing orange minority leaders and the rest of the pale white Republican patriots, and continue blue-balling the Dems’ finance bill to keep struggling Americans in the red, so long as the poor, poor banks finally get back into the black, all to protect his favoritest, most beautiful shade in the whole wide world. No, not nude, silly! His other favoritest color in the all the world, freshly minted green, baby!

Tastes so delicious and refreshing, it’s well worth the bitter taste it leaves behind. But hey, at least it’s something to put in your mouth, since affording actual food isn’t really an option.

On the bright side, there’s probably enough for one of Scott’s namesake brown bags, though.

Because the only thing better than a free lunch is the illusion of one.

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