This Dick Has Got Some Balls

After TKOing John McCain in November, President and defending lightweight champion Barack Obama faced off against another white-haired, even more decrepit opponent on Thursday: Dark Lord of the Underworld Dick Cheney.

In the greatest national security showdown since Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA of acting all spy-like by deceiving the public about the non-torture techniques used to pry important information from tight-lipped suspected terrorists, President Obama went head-to-head with that wretched old man who won’t go away to decide once and for all who knows how to keep America safer.

The actual leader of the free world, Barack Obama, believes the Bush administration’s war on terror these last eight years has left the nation a tattered mess and provided nothing but a rallying cry for enemies. Call him old-school, but Barack just doesn’t think naked pyramids and upside-down drowning games helped advance America’s counter-terrorism efforts. In fact, Mr. Naive over here thinks that spitting on the Geneva Convention might have actually undermined them. What crazy hippie planet is he from?

Luckily, we have reliable old Dick to help show the nation and world why only pussies like Obama and the continent of Europe can’t seem to get it through their thick skulls that 9/11 changed everything.

Like waterboarding becoming not only “lawful,” but “skillful and entirely honorable.” And Obama’s national security strategy of not starting wars anywhere there is desert and oil as “recklessness cloaked in righteousness.” Opposition to torture is also “unwise in the extreme,” and any time you dare question the government’s life-saving interrogation practices on unlawfully detained suspects in secret prison camps, it’s as if you personally flew the planes into the Twin Towers yourself.

So ask yourself America, do you really want to become one big Mohamed Atta? Otherwise, Barry needs to go.

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