This Is The Kind Of Change That Makes You Feel All Dirty & Democratic Inside

President Barack Obama took to the teevee to do what he does best, other than nailing mid range jump shots: nailing liberal Democrats and their terrible no-good liberal Democratic policies in order to defend his perfectly good reasoning for bending over striking a compromise with congressional Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for two years in exchange for new stimulus measures and Republicans collectively pinky swearing to stop acting like a bunch of Grand Old Pricks and big, greedy Boehners, orange or otherwise, anytime he tries do something awful like breathe.


This is wonderful news for America, because once again the Republicans get to do what they do best: act like a bunch of, how shall I put this, umm, “Asshats” until they get everything they want, yet still pretend they are getting screwed over by that meany black Socialist Muslim thug in the White House.

They get all of their dumb, deficit swelling tax cuts for the long-suffering heiress and baron class, extended for two years, plus some sweet cuts in the estate tax as an extra bonus for all the GOP’s hard work, cooperation, and selflessness these past two years.

Because according to President Obama, who is sooooo totally over that whole “emo” stage, it is much more preferable to save the middle class from slightly higher taxes for a short period of time and secure more unemployment aid by abandoning your principles in favor of a smoother-running country, than to make the Republican Party put their designer man pants on, take responsibility, and actually suffer for their illogical policies destroying America.

It’s called compromise, and it’s what mature, practical, adult Presidents do, something you silly intellectual elites reading silly elite newspapers and sticking to your even sillier elitist ideologies wouldn’t know the first thing about!

“There are some who would have preferred a protracted political fight even if it meant higher taxes for all Americans,” the president said at a White House news conference a day after the compromise was announced. “And I understand the desire for a fight. I’m sympathetic to that.”

But to tell you the truth, I’m kinda wiped from the morning pickup game with my new Republican homies, so eh, I think I’ll just give up my ideals, take the Grand Old Position, and endorse the domestic fiscal policy of George W. Bush instead. Who’s with me?

While Obama said that he’ll oppose the Bush tax cuts for the rich when they’re up again in two years—he insisted he’s “not here to play games with the American people or the health of our economy.”

Please! He only does that with round bouncy orange & black leather/rubber/synthetic composite balls, a hoop, and a hard surface.

No More Mr. Nice Guy Barry did have some scathing words for both the “sanctimonious” left, whose wacky idea of reality consists of perusing the New York Times while perched upon their diamond encrusted golden toilets, and the God-awful GOP he shared a romantic, candlelight dinner of principle-free, deep fried capitalist Pork chops, topped off with a delicious slice of heaping humble pie with:

“This is their holy grail, these tax cuts for the wealthy,” a visibly annoyed Obama said of Republicans. He acknowledged that most Americans support repealing the tax cuts for the rich, but said he couldn’t persuade the Senate GOP: “I have not been able to budge them.”

Well, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!?

Obama said he was determined to prevent a stalemate that would let taxes rise for everyone when the Bush-era rates are set to expire at the end of the month. “I am not willing to let working families across this country become collateral damage for political warfare here in Washington.”

He’d much rather let himself, his beliefs, and his entire Democratic base be blown into smithereens than dare stand up to the scary Republicans and risk exposing them for the power-hungry, poor-hating frauds they are, instead of appeasing them Hitler-style.

“I’ve said before that I felt that the middle class tax cuts were being held hostage to the high end tax cuts. I think it’s tempting not to negotiate with hostage takers. Unless the hostage gets harmed. Then, people will question the wisdom of that strategy. In this case the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed.”

Of course you weren’t, B! As if Democrats would ever so much as dream of believing in their ideas deeply enough that they would actually be willing to fight for them, lest they look like they possess an actual spine, leadership abilities, convictions, or some outrageous positive quality like that.

Because, if there’s one thing Democrats can agree on, it’s surrendering to opposition.

Of course, one would think that the party that wins a midterm election campaigning solely on the critical need to cut deficits, and then once in power, immediately stonewalls any legislation that would actually cut hundreds of billions of dollars from said deficit, would then be subject to immediate public outrage, widespread condemnation, and criticism for being hypocritical liars, who are objectively full of shit.

Not so my friends, not so!

Instead, the invisible, omnipresent, menacing tax monster started rearing his ugly head, forcing the White House and frightened Democrats to make terrible sell-out deals on tax cuts they really don’t want (or need) to make, in the hopes that they would be spared being gobbled up, swallowed whole, and digested, bit-by-bit, by this insatiable giant tax goblin that apparently only feasts on the fresh and tender meat of feeble Democrats, not the old, rotting, maggot-infested flesh of Republicans.

In return for the whole tax cuts thing, Republicans will maybe (haha, fingers crossed!) agree to extending jobless aid for the long-term unemployed, also kindly starving Dems of their one advantage of getting to accurately call out the Republicans for refusing to help all gross poors and unemployed people until every last rich person is taken care of, tax-free, with a complimentary mansion, horse stable, waitstaff, and shiny set of steak knives as a thank you.

Oh well!

Fortunately, these heroic tax cuts, passed in a time of prosperity for no conceivable reason except maybe to further fatten the deficit, will never, ever die.

Instead, they will just shrivel up collecting dust in a corner with all the other disastrous Bush-era policies still lurking, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to pass Congress, and trickle down wealth and prosperity upon all the land.

Like say when a Democrat is in the White House.

Surrender becomes the new hope; capitulation, the new change.

Now that’s compromise we can believe in!

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