What a Difference Ten Years Make: From Idiot to Elitist in One Fell Decade!

Laugh it up, fuzzball.

Oh, hahahaha, look America, it’s everyone’s favorite beer peddling spokesman of hope, “Commander in Cheer” President Barack Hussein Obama. He certainly seems to be enjoying his time ruining America as its first socialist Muslim terrorist president from Kenya.

Wonder what he’s laughing at? Perhaps the fact that when this terrible millennium began just a mere ten years ago, people like Barack Obama were still legally considered slaves and now it’s the white people who are his slaves (just ask the teabaggers) in this blessed land of freedom fries called the U.S. of A. Hooray!

So let’s reflect for a moment on this horrible Decade of Terror when an excitable young lad affectionately known as Jr., cycloned into our lives (via a Supreme Court ruling, some hanging chad nonsense, and a bunch of elderly Jews in Boca) to bring peace and prosperity to America by bankrupting this country to bomb other countries. For freedom!

Midnight Cowboy.

Yes, thanks to this adorable cowboy, we can look back in joy and pride (or shock and awe) at the great ’00s and be thankful for all the laughter and cheer (and yes, some blood and tears), a single idiot man brought to our lives for eight looooooong years.

Just think, George W. Bush loved America so much that he never missed a chance to delight the people by getting caught in some ridiculous, awkward pose at the most highly inappropriate times. Basically whenever the cameras started rolling.

Two terms! Two fucking terms!

For nearly an entire decade, this humble servant of Jesus and America embraced his role as the nation’s favorite nuc-u-lar lovin’ jokester, showing the world the kind of impact a single God-fearing man can have if he follows his heart and does what he knows is right. Even if it’s nothing.

Dubya: the true definition of what it means to sacrifice for the good of country.

But either way, these lovely last ten years that gave us terror as color codes and teabagger as patriot are all part of the glorious decade that started with W and ended in O, with plenty of LOL, BS, and OMG stuffed in between.

There’s Twitter and reality TV, balloon boys and White House crashers, Jon and Kate plus 8 minus Jon, the Death of the newspaper, the rise of conservative stars with no college degree or detectable brain activity (but lots of good old fashioned tears and fears), the collective loss of the Republican mind, Going Rogue as bestseller (or even more noteworthy, the appeal of Sarah Palin in general), the lengths disgruntled dumb white people will go to not have a black person as president, economic tsunamis, regular tsunamis, the falling dollar, rising foreclosures, Wall Street robber barons crying poor (while stealing the public’s money), South Carolina governors crying poor (while using the public’s money to hike the Appalachian Trail to adulterous sex in Argentina), closeted homophobic Idaho senators soliciting gay sex in Minneapolis airport men’s rooms, evil vice-presidents shooting friends in the face, shoe bombers, shoe throwers, inconvenient truths like climate change, gays as people (gasp!), and what happens when we trade the constitution for two men named George and Dick (naked pyramids, fun-filled pretend-to-drown water games, drowned U.S. cities, two fallen towers, thousands of dead Americans, bloody oil wars, thousands of dead Iraqis, surplus turned deficit, progress turned regression, failure turned despair, fear turned courage, change turned revolution. 2008 turned 2009.

But then at long last, hope on the horizon. The Messiah, “that one,” Barack Hussein Obama’s time had come!

Maverick turned sellout, North Carolina turned blue, Iowa turned pink, Joe Lieberman turned coat, the White House turned black, teabaggers turned green, America turned Red, dark turned light and the world turned the page.

Confident that this time around, the leader of this brave new world was in fact literate. And despite bowling a 37 and not throwing the first pitch heat like some other former cowboy president, perhaps this man would be more well suited to a job that demands more nuanced skills than a cat-like ability to duck hurled shoes and escape certain death at the hands of a cunning adversary known as the pretzel.

The Al Qaeda of snackfood.

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