When Not Crying, Glenn Beck Does Important Things Like Mocking 11-Year-Old First Daughters Named Malia

No one really expects fallen drunkard turned born again Moron Mormon rodeo clown Glenn Beck to act like anything other than a circus sideshow freak who just got his hands on the miraculous twin inventions of the chalkboard and accompanying white tube with which to write.

So it really comes as no surprise that America’s chubby, blue-eyed, blond-haired angel of teary-eyed truth took his one-man monologue on the ravages mental illness to the airwaves to rant about the newest enemy of freedom, 11-year-old Malia Obama for her hilariously naive “preteen” question about BP’s oil leak catastrophe, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”

Hahahahahah! OMG, can you believe how stupid that Malia girl is? What is she like 11 or 12 or something? God, where did she get that education? Some terrible place like Chicago or Kenya? If only she had someone smart and intelligent, without any formal college education (elitist!) like Glenn Beck to teach her the ways of the world.

Maybe then she wouldn’t be such a loser!

Good thing Glenn’s own kids wouldn’t say anything stupid and childish like that! Probably because they don’t even know how to speak or formulate an actual question, but hey let’s not rip on anyone’s off-limits family because that wouldn’t be very nice or sensitive. But then again, his Foxy ratings may go up, i.e. the opposite way of his IQ! You with me? Huh? I can’t hear you! I said who’s with me, people??

Apparently, the central tenets of Glenny’s “leave the families alone” motto only applies to people Glenn Beck doesn’t particularly care for, including stillborn babies and the incompetent mothers who miscarried them. Especially when the mother happens to be guilty of the terrible crime known as being married to the host of a rival morning show in the same market as a certain principled pillar of integrity, a Mr. Glenn Lee Beck.

Otherwise, like in the case of say, sexy, former half-governors named Sarah Palin, it is absolutely unacceptable to attack a person’s rather large family, whether they–unwed teenage mother with newborn miracles of God (special needs and otherwise) in tow–are paraded all over town, or not.

“Leave my family, leave people’s families alone…When it was Bill Clinton, you don’t go after Chelsea Clinton,” Beck said. “You don’t talk about the Bush kids. Now, the minute they get into politics, that’s a different story. You leave the families alone.”

Except of course when that family happens to be of the terrible Socialist Kenyan Obama variety. Then by all means. The sky’s the limit!

BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?
PAT GRAY (co-host): (imitating Obama) No I didn’t, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy, I know you’re better than [unintelligible]
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Mm-hmm, big country.
BECK: (imitating Malia) And I was wondering if you’ve plugged that hole yet.
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Honey, not yet.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why not, daddy? But daddy–
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not time yet, honey. Hasn’t done enough damage.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not enough damage yet, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah?
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why do you hate black people so much?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) I’m part white, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) What?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) What?
BECK: (imitating Malia) What’d you say?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Excuse me?
BECK: (laughing) This is such a ridiculous — this is such a ridiculous thing that his daughter– (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: It’s so stupid.
BECK: How old is his daughter? Like, thirteen?
GRAY: Well, one of them’s, I think, thirteen, one’s eleven, or something.
BECK: “Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?” Is that’s their — that’s the level of their education, that they’re coming to — they’re coming to daddy and saying ‘Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?’ ” Plug the hole!
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yes, I was doing some deep-sea diving yesterday, and–
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was doing–
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why–
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, honey, I’m–
BECK (imitating Malia) Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are — Daddy, why don’t you just put her in some sort of a camp?

Oh, daddy why did that awful, fat effeminate buffoon on Fox news, Glenn Beck’s daddy not love him? Why did his mommy have to go kill herself and leave li’l Glenny all by his lonesome with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels to keep him warm ‘n cuddly at night? Why does a 46-year-old “newscaster” feel the need to put Vick’s Vapo Rub in his eyes to feign tears, or publicly bash a sweet, 11-year-old girl’s innocent question about how to stop 50 million gallons of delicious oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico?

Daddy, why do brain-dead people with no tact, no sense, and no class find a way to get super rich and famous by being that one token idiot people like because it makes them feel better about their own miserable, pathetic lives.

Why can’t I grow up to be a hypocritical, blathering butt of late night jokes and SNL skits who contradicts every word he utters, while selling his soul to the highest bidder? No not God, silly, Rupert Murdoch!

Why can’t I hit the big time by writing nonsense words and pretend flow charts on a chalkboard so people think I know what I am talking about when I am really just drawing random squiggle lines, circles, and fun geometric shapes like swastikas!

Perhaps somewhere in his pure (albino) white soul, Glenn may have felt a tinge of remorse for “impersonating” Malia by speaking in a little baby voice (different from his regular one!), questioning her education level, and insinuating that she asks her father why he hates black people.

In fact, Glenny poo is such a sweetheart that he released a statement apologizing for his actions:

“In discussing how President Obama uses children to shield himself from criticism, I broke my own rule about leaving kids out of political debates. The children of public figures should be left on the sidelines. It was a stupid mistake and I apologize—and as a dad I should have known better.”

But as a 46 year-old man-child fluke of nature/one wild night of drunken unprotected passion, I didn’t.

Just like Malia should have known better than to ask her pops a vague question like “Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?”

Cause when you put it that way, it could mean well, anything really. Like say the uncontrollable poison-spewing hole between Glenn Beck’s nose and chin. That shit’s needed to be plugged for years.

But no matter what we do, we can’t seem to stop the torrent of toxic waste and slime oozing from deep within his big fat pie hole.

Hmmm, the nuclear option’s starting to sound better every day!