Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?

Getting Warmer?

Remember Osama bin Laden, the cave-dwelling Jihadist enemy of America we invaded not one but two countries to capture and still came up just slightly short-handed? A small error which would be really embarrassing had we not succeeded in shocking and awing a few Muslims along the way.

Well the CIA now believes bin Laden is still in Pakistan, where he always was (oops, their bad!) and that can only mean one thing: the third time’s a charm baby!

Don’t you worry America, because finding bin Laden remains one of the CIA’s top priorities. Even if they’re waaaaay better at gathering intelligence on things that don’t really exist, like the stockpile of WMDs Saddam was thisclose to using on the U.S. of A!

But CIA Director Leon Panetta is confident his cracksquad of (intelligence?) operatives have what it takes to finally bring Public Enemy #1 to justice.

“We have a number of people who are on the ground in Pakistan who are helping us provide targets and helping us provide the information that we really need to go after al-Qaida…I guess one of our hopes is that as Pakistani military moves in, combined with our operations, we may have a better chance to get at him.”

But just to be on the safe-side, and ensure that Osama doesn’t once again elude capture by slipping through the 1,545-mile-wide crack between Iraq and Pakistan, Panetta said the CIA will spend nearly $250 million in the next five years to double the number of intelligence officers that are proficient in a foreign language.

Before unceremoniously booting them for being admitting they’re gay.

Because they have a job to do damn it! and can’t afford any distractions. Like starting wars under false pretenses and well-dressed, hard-bodied men with wandering eyes and a skip in their step.

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