OMG, why didn’t we think of this sooner? The Republicans’ ingenious new strategy is so brilliant in its sheer simplicity that it only needs two letters to sum it up entirely: N-O.
It’s true! Much like their old approach of lies, obstruction, and manipulation, the new, improved GOP message has evolved and refined itself over time to strike the perfect balance between tradition and progress.
No longer limited to the usual boring yet straightforward “NO,” the GOP’s new plan includes such diverse reactions as “Nay,” “No way,” “No freakin’ chance,” “Hell no,” “Not a chance in hell,” and the always encouraging, “Not over my dead body.”
You see, the GOP cares deeply about the American people and nothing would make them happier than passing a comprehensive health care reform bill to help average folks get access to quality, affordable insurance. In fact, in terms of sheer desirability level, it’s right up there with passing kidney stones. A real hoot!
Which is why trustworthy, hardworking GOP heavy hitters like John McCain, Mitch McConnell, and Jim DeMint are hitting up the talk show circuit to explain to the American people, the wise sensibility and unparalleled brilliance behind their freshly revamped “Just Say No” campaign.
Now that they’ve won 41% of the seats in the Senate, thanks to that big-hearted liberal nuisance Teddy Kennedy being replaced by a much younger, hunkier, albeit less caring, Cosmo model by the name of Scott Brown, the Republicans know the time for real action has come.
It’s time for Democrats to kill the health care reform bill and start over (from scratch!) because why wouldn’t they waste all the time and effort they’ve already spent to please a party that won’t be satisfied until health care is as dead as the poor, sick Americans whose lives depended on it.
Of course, if Democrats would just agree to “start over,” the Republicans would be more than willing to support the health care reform they’ve spent the last six months mercilessly destroying because they care about average Americans as much as the next guy. They do!
If only the meany Democrats would try a little harder to include these very delicate Republicans in the process, they wouldn’t be forced to derail the whole thing in the hopes that thousands and thousands more preventable American deaths (caused by their inaction), maybe just maybe the big break they’ve been waiting for to finally give Barry the ol’ heave-ho back to the Kenyan countryside where he belongs.
But nooooo! The Democrats have no interest in turning the clocks back six months, putting partisan politics aside and starting afresh, with the slate wiped clean. They simply don’t care about helping people who are not white and rich. Sorry.
Then, the Democrats can come to the table ready to tackle an insurance industry that’s been fleecing the public for years and the Republicans can come to the table ready to tackle the Democrats and whatever Socialist devil plan they have up their sleeves to provide the public with actual health insurance that won’t kill or bankrupt them.
It shall be the greatest defeat since Napoleon’s infamous 1815 last stand at Watergate or was it Loo? Mwahahahahahaha!!
But if the Dems agree to press the reset button and “start over” on health care, the Republicans must also promise to do the same for George W. Bush and his brilliant eight year reign of peace and prosperity over America.
Let’s see, just give us back New Orleans, the Ozone layer, our rights, our jobs, the economy, the housing market, the Constitution, both Twin Towers, the trillions of dollars wasted on fruitless wars to NOT capture bin Laden, the 5,346 U.S. soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the desert wastelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then maybe just maybe we’ll consider it even.
Deal?
