Let’s say you’re a Republican candidate somewhere in America, like say, maybe Wisconsin, for instance, and unemployment is rampant because the actual ‘middle class’ heart of our economy has died, forever, plus you stand for “small government” or whatever, so you can’t actually propose anything, but you still need to talk about jobs because in America’s heartland, jobs come first! Right after the Packers and cheeseheads, of course!
So what do you do, Wisconsin GOP gubernatorial candidate Scott Walker? What do you about that?
Why, you create “SCOTT WALKER’S 68-PAGE JOBS PLAN!” in all caps, with an exclamation point for emphasis!
And that’s not it, my friends! Since you need to not only match, but beat your Democratic opponents’ 67-page normal-sized font jobs plan, you obviously decide to release a, wait for it, 68-page plan, with the font size set to Mike Huckabee’s old waist line, which is like infinity times better!
Nevermind fuddy-duddy Democratic things like actual details or ideas. Who needs those when you have “three pages of talking points stretched across 68 pages,” with the letters blown up to a ridiculous size 10-million font?? Certainly not Scott Walker!
Let’s take a look-see at some of Mr. Walker’s brilliant plan to create jobs by producing a document seemingly designed for the elderly, legally blind, or retarded people:
Naturally, priority number one is to abolish all taxes, which can easily be done by the a single, incomplete, phrase stretched across an entire page, “We must lower the heavy tax burden that prevents businesses from investing in…” Duh! This much is obvious!
Scott Walker apparently also wants to nuke Wisconsin. Which can be a great way to create jobs, such as funeral directors, roadside cleanup crews for body removal and other scattered debris, firefighters to put out the soon-to-be raging, nuclear-fueled conflagrations, and even scientists and researchers to help develop new treatments for chemical burns and/or various work-related complications, like birth defects, physical disfigurement, and increased numbers of depression, anxiety, and other ailments associated with severe mental stress. Hooray!
Oh yeah, and thanks to his 68 page-PDF-equivalent of having an insane, old person scream in your ear for an hour, “SCOTT WALKER!” is also waaaaaay ahead in the polls, so umm, go Wisconsin!?