Congrats, Gays! Now Slightly Less Than Half Of America Believes You’re Going To Hell

Wow, America you should be swelling with pride. And by pride, I naturally mean the flamboyant, rainbowy gay kind.

That’s because for the first time in the history of mankind and/or public opinion polls, less Americans think homosexuality is a morally repugnant abomination against the Lord than do. And it only took 238 years to get Jesus out of America’s collective bedroom! Woohoo!

You see, for more than 30 years, a majority of respondents to the CNN/Time poll have said that a “homosexual relationship between consenting adults is morally wrong,” while a minority have said homosexuality is “not a moral issue,” proudly linking gays and eternal hellfire since 1978!

That is, until Presidents Day Weekend 2010, when for the first time ever, 50% of respondents said homosexuality is not a moral issue, and only 48% said that it was morally wrong. A small, two percent step for man, a giant leap for mankind’s dependence on thousands-of-years-old scripture to determine the kinds of love God permits (one man, one woman) and the kinds that bring fire, brimstone and salt pillar wives (homosexuality).

Not surprisingly, the number of respondents calling homosexuality morally wrong has fluctuated since the 1978 poll, depending on a number of factors, namely which of God’s chosen messengers on Earth is occupying the White House and/or if gays are being strung up on fences and left to die on the side of the road in the middle of bumblef**k Wyoming.

Back in ’78, 53% of respondents said it was immoral to be in a gay or lesbian relationship, while in 2001, that number rose to 55%, likely thanks to George W. Bush’s return to good, old fashioned American values like preemptive wars, torture, tax breaks for oil companies, Wall Street, big-time campaign contributors, and attributing 9/11 to God’s wrath against the usual trifecta of sin: gays, Jews, and abortionists.

Other significant changes in attitude towards homosexuals in America include the very scary, life changing question of whether gay and lesbians should be free to be their fabulous selves when defending the very freedom they are currently denied themselves.

A whopping 69 percent, the highest number of supporters ever recorded for that question by far, said they favor allowing gays and lesbians the chance to leave the closet while fighting and perhaps dying as out ‘n proud members of the U.S. armed forces.

Figures they would choose the one perverted, sexually deviant number when destroying the moral fabric of American society as we know it.

But, not all military brass are behind repealing the very sensible Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy prohibiting the ghastly gays from parading around the barracks in nothing but tighty whiteys and sunglasses a la Tom Cruise’s Risky Business performance.

“I do have serious concerns about the impact of repeal of the law on a force that is fully engaged in two wars and has been at war for eight and a half years. We just don’t know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness,” Gen. George Casey, the Army chief of staff explained to the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Yet, despite two old white men’s homophobia and hesitation to embrace change, Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen has not budged on his opinion that the 17-year-old DADT policy is legally unconstitutional and morally reprehensible.

“No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens,” he said. “For me, personally, it comes down to integrity, theirs as individuals and ours as an institution.”

So true! I mean imagine what the convicted rapists, armed robbers, and other violent offenders comprising our ranks would think if suddenly every Arabic-speaking queer with essential linguistic skills but no criminal record was suddenly allowed to shimmy shake right into their ranks?

What would that say to our highly impressionable troops?

I, for one, do not want to see the day when it’s okay to be gay but shameful to have served 5-10 hard years for battering your ex-girlfriend with a sledgehammer.

Priorities people!

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